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sobsicles · 4 years ago

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Opening Line Tag Game

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

I was tagged by @dont-offend-the-bees - thanks! ill just do my spn fics and not any ive co-written because i didn't start the first chapters for those, though they're very good (Season Z and The Bad Santa Clause, respectively, that are fics written by a group of many amazing authors!)

Dean starts falling in love with him on a slow Sunday morning under slanted sunlight that slips through the gaps in the trees. — six hundred sundays (and many more)

Why did the curtains have to be yellow? — i want to do with you (what spring does to cherry trees)

In a bar on a Tuesday morning, it's a few months out from the final shot at the world ending. But hey, Chuck's long gone, and everything has worked out for the best, and the world keeps right on turning. Funny how that goes, huh? — dumbassery, denial, doing (the three d's to the destination)

There are certain moments in one's life when things go exactly as planned. It's like the stars align and the skies open up to reveal rays of sunlight and, against all odds, everything seems to be in perfect harmony. This is a phenomenon that Dean is genuinely not accustomed to, as it doesn't really happen for him. — finding hope (and finding him)

The first time she meets him, he's nothing more than an almost-missed appointment. — break the skin (to break the barriers)

The first time Dean and Cas kiss, it's not even really a kiss at all. It is, in fact, mouth-to-mouth. — a kiss for every season (literally)

The brass chip slides back and forth in a small path across the leaning desk Bobby has had for years and still hasn't gotten around to fixing. The chip reads: To thine own self be true. Unity. Service. Recovery. — separate ways and sleeping dogs

Getting used to Heaven is something of a marvel. It ain't perfect, and Dean thinks he'd hate it if it was, which is probably why it isn't. There's just enough human-esque nuances to it that keep it feeling like life rather than death, and he's thankful for that because he's got the smallest inkling that he should have gotten to live a little longer than he did. — oh sooner or later it all comes down to faith

So, the first thing that happens is Castiel comes back. It's at a pretty inconvenient time, considering the amount of pain Dean is in and how close he is to being dead. — things happen (they do, and they do, and they do)

It's not the first time Claire has ever gone missing. It is, however, the first time Kaia panics about it. — what's missing is found (our souls can exhale now)

It's different now, no matter how much they're pretending it's not. Mostly out of self-preservation, because sometimes their sanity is hanging by a mere thread and it's so obvious that they simply have no choice but to fake it 'til they make it. They've done a lot of that through the years, practically crafted it into a fine art, but this is the best performance yet. — according to all known laws of life

Time is different here. — what they deserve (it's better this way)

The first realization he remembers having is that the stars are oddly bright from where he lies sprawled on his back. The second, of course, is that there are troubling sounds coming from some vague point to his left. He supposes that's fair—vision and auditory processes are usually the first thing people make sense of when they wake. He knows that much, at least. Not much else, though. — Memories Bring Back Memories (Bring Back You)

Dean would think that a failsafe like this wouldn't exist. It doesn't quite add up in his head when he sits down and thinks about it, but Sam assures him over and over that it's well within the realm of possibility for the Men of Letters--supposed smart people--to come up with something as stupid as this. — home is where the heart is (and you have mine)

The blackbirds start singing a dawn. — profoundly bonded (by law)

So. So, the thing about desperation, and want, and desire, and how it controls, is that it's all bullshit, and Dean wants absolutely no part in it. — staring at ceiling in the dark, same empty feeling in your heart (love comes slow and it goes so fast)

Cas wasn't a music fanatic of any kind, Dean knew this firsthand. Sure, he listened to whatever Dean was listening to, or whatever was playing in the car on long trips. But he never went out of his way to listen to music in his spare time. — listen to the song in my soul (only you can hear)

All things considered, Castiel found solace in the fact that his life couldn't get any worse than this. — Just A Touch

There were a few things that were known about Dean Winchester, undeniable things that hadn't wavered once in his entire life. — a helping hand (let's not be friends)

Dean was merely ten years old when he discovered that bridges didn't close the gap between two worlds. — The Bridges We Built

insane to me that none of these opened up on dialogue. i don't open up with dialogue that often, as it turns out. also, most of these fics are dean pov. only three of these out of twenty are cas pov (1, 12, 18). my personal five favorites out of these: 3, 5, 10, 14, 15.

im supposed to tag people, but like, i want anyone who wants to do it to do it! if you see this and want to do it, definitely do so! tag me if you do; i'd love to see your answers!

#sobs says things #sobs adventures in writing #this is a fun lil thing to do actually #just something to pass the time #plus it's informative about my own writing so that's interesting #destiel #destiel fic

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jesuisgourde · 4 years ago

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gay/queer references in Peter’s journals

Again, I have probably missed stuff due to going through pretty quickly and also due to having stared at this document for so long, everything has kind of blurred together.

Sometime close to the day that Carlos & I watched 'Love And Death on Long Island' (and afterwards paraded through the tea rooms of Picadilly) we both filled in application forms and were tres excited to be invited to the same group 'interview' - twas more like an audition though. I got the part. Carlos never. This did not bring any animosity - we both know that success for either of us is magnified a million times if it is shared by us both.

from 'A Diamond Guitar' by Truman Capote "Except that they did not combine their bodies or think to do so, though such things were not unknown at the (Prison), they were as lovers. Of the seasons, spring is the most shattering: stalks thrusting through the earth's winter-stiffened crust, young leaves cracking out on old left-to-die branches, the falling asleep wind cruising through all the newborn green. And with Mr Schaeffer it was the same, a breaking up, a flexing of muscles that had hardened. It was late January. The friends were sitting on the steps of the sheep house, each with a cigarette in his hand. A moon thin and yellow as a piece of lemon rind curved above them, and under its light, threads of ground frost glistened like silver snail trails. Tico Feo had been drawn into himself - silent as a robber waiting in the shadows."

Then a meet with Bounds Green's African prince outside whitechapel tube, rugged lookies at I in military attire & to a ruptured Albion rooms tidied in hours and now lids drawn heated on the eyes. A young looking fella has a crush on me.

Jackie/Camillia/Marie/Kate/Chris/V. churchill Jackie/Evelina/Jasmine/Sachi/Dalston/Sussie Sandra/Carlene/FP/Jay/Dalston/Kraut

There sat a young black man, perhaps in his early or middle twenties. He looked for all the world like the archetypal rude boy. Clean, cheap reebok, nike, adidas variously rolled, laced & zipped about his lean, spreadeagled body that hung loosely about the waiting room chair. Gold & tattoos adorned his person, and a blank animal look was attached to his clear face. He sat before me in a row of four empty chairs, staring at polished floor or the mundane television. A balding white man minced in & all perceptions were suddenly proven to be false as they embraced and snuggled up to each other, giggling & whispering & touching each others noses.... very much in love, fingers crossed for the blood tests.

[Image: an article from Gay Times of an interview with Peter. For some reason, the portrait included alongside the article is of Carl wearing a grey and black t-shirt.] Name? Peter Doherty Age? 22 Where are you? I'm on the motorway just north of Southampton. What kind of day are you having? (Vaguely) Erm... quite misty. Something's waiting around the corner, but there are no corners on the motorway, so we'll just have to wait and see what lies ahead. Maybe something will happen tonight.... What's this we hear about you once being a rent boy? Well, when times are hard, duty calls. How long ago was it? When I was 19, about three years ago. How do we know this isn't just a Shaun Ryder-type lie? 'Cause if it was, it would make me a complete scumbag and I'm not, and I'm not interested in that kind of pantomime. It wasn't a very happy time. I didn't really enjoy it. Why did you give it up? (grimly) Well, certain people disappeared... and anyway, ultimately I found myself no longer in such a vulnerable position anymore. Dawn broke, and I realised that it was a beautiful world after all. Have you done any other dodgy jobs? All of us in the band have tried to deal, but it's not good if you like the drugs too much. You just end up using them yourself! I once was a gravedigger. I used to do it with my mate in Willesden Green cemetery. We didn't actually do the digging, a machine did that, but we used to have to fill them in. It was pretty grim work. So are you gay then? Love is love, wherever it comes from. I'm not anything, really. I am a very sexual person but... I dunno, I believe in liberty... The Marquis de Sade has a lot to answer for... Do you get a lot of gay fans? Yeah - well, there's one guy in particular. He's very shy and he follows us around. He brings in letters and cards and stuff, but he's very quiet. I think John (the bassist) is the main pulling power in the band. Are you jealous about that? Nah! I've known him too long.

You know I'm alright i dont even care i like it when they stare & stare call me queer, dear oh dear a million things & what I wear He's real hard when he's with his mates but I'll saw him again & he was too late

Dear NME I'd have thought after the Gay Times piece, the interview with Rapture fanzine & our recent gig at the Slum Club everything would be clear. No it still remains to give a big hearty fuck off to all these twisted suburban types calling me a liar. Vulnerable young men & women all over the world find themselves victims of circumstance.

she was dressed in suit & tie & lightly etched-on moustache. 'I've always wanted to kiss a bird in the back of a taxi.' she says, running her hand up the fishnet ladders of my thigh. Stepping onto the front line in Bow puddles, elevators, buzzing doors,

[Image: the original page in the book has been preserved. Two paragraphs have been boxed off with biro. They read:] “...cast Richard Burton and Rex Harrison as bickering queer barbers and then much more uncompromisingly in William Friedkin's adaptation of The Boys in the Band (1970), which introduced some of the plainer four letter words in the English language to the screen for the first time. 'Who,' asks Cliff Gorman, in his brilliant portrayal of the most effeminate of the homosexual group as they gather for a soul-searching party, 'Who do you have to fuck to get a drink around here?' Other homosexual manifestations to occur in movies around this time included an elliptical but unmistakeable male fellatio scene in John Schlesinger's Midnight Cowboy (1969) when Jon Voight, as a broke and disillusioned Texas stud importunes in a New York cinema....”

[Image, top left: a blurry photo of John onstage, playing bass. Image, top right, sideways: a photo of the band onstage. Carl and John are on the left, sharing a mic. Peter is on the right, playing guitar and singing into his own mic. Image, centre left: a torn photo of Peter sitting in a chair, shirtless, playing guitar. Only his bottom half from the chest down is visible. Image, centre left: a torn photo of Peter sitting in a chair, shirtless, playing guitar. Only his top half from shoulders up is visible. Image, bottom left: a torn fragment of a photo. What looks like a denim-clad knee and a yellow carrier bag are visible. Image, bottom middle: a photo of someone's knee in torn jeans, taken from under a table. Image, bottom right: a torn photo of Carl in a black sleeveless shirt, posing with his fingers in his mouth.] [A paragraph from the original page of the book has been left exposed and boxed off with black biro. It reads:] “The Boys in the Band was displaced by an immeasurably more powerful portrayal of homosexual groups, Fortune and Men's Eyes (1971). Set in a Quebec prison, this disturbing, factually based drama vividly recounted the corrupted of a heterosexual convict trapped in a tough, potentially vicious homosexual society. In one horrifying scene, a weak, put-upon prisoner is gang-banged by his fellow inmates; in another, the 'hero' is blackmailed by his cellmate into accepting him as his lover for the duration...”

Like a cat on a hot tin roof Like a macho man in a roomful of poofs I have tried in my way to be free.

[Written in Peter's handwriting] Jerome... is that how it's spelt? [Written in someone else's handwriting] Yes it is [Written in Peter's handwriting] Can I read you something? [Written in someone else's handwriting] Yes please.....

I insist, new book of Albion, befuddled by drugs I may yes about 2 but I do not miss out entirely on the subtleties of the inhuman relation ships that are this the mainstay of my stay here in one bounce of a loaf. Boys are fooled into fooling with boys. [...]

More general references/some extra explanations:

“The boy looked at Johnny” is a line from Patti Smith's song “Horses,” part one of a three-part song called “Land.” In the song, a young man named Johnny is assaulted by another man in a locker room; he then mentally journeys to other fantastical lands and visions. A lot of people interpret it as being about gay sex, although some people interpret it as being about a stabbing.

Peter quotes and references Jean Genet's writing and works about Jean Genet many times. While Genet's works are nearly all about crime and prison (one of Peter's main interests and points of fascination), all of his works are very explicitly gay. The Thief's Journal is more about Genet's various lovers than it is about his criminal history. Our Lady Of The Flowers is about a drag queen and her criminal lovers, and is also extremely erotic.

(“Jerome” is Jerome Alexandre, vocalist of The Deadcuts, who was friends with Peter and Mark Keds.)

#squash transcribes books of albion #peter doherty #feel free to request compilations of other kinds too

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dirt-cup-draco · 4 years ago

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Fred Weasley x Reader- Better To Have Loved and Lost Part 2/2

Previously:

I really do love you Fred. You thought and hoped some part of him would feel comforted as you prayed he came to understand what he meant to you.

It was better to have loved and lost Fred Weasley than to have continued to love him and been the cause for his misery.

The war had been won and it was cause for much relief but as you wiped the tables at the Leaky Cauldron you pondered over why you still couldn’t smile right, why the laughs that spilled past your lips were cold and haughty, why when you went home to Ian, it still didn’t feel like home.

You knew the answer but refused to see it, refused to let yourself feel the fury and the loss that came from following your parents’ every wish. They’d been delighted when your sister had introduced you to Ian once the war ended. Turns out the both of you had been helping rebuild Hogwarts and you just hadn’t been lucky enough to run into each other.

He was sweet and you didn’t mind his attention but it all felt wrong even if there was hardly a bad thing you could say about him. Your sister could have, and you were surprised she hadnt, picked far worse for you. You only wished that she didn’t feel the need to. You’d been happy with what you had, four months of bliss with the redhead who still had your heart, and now you were forced to live a life you resented.

Ian was much like you, his family ruled his life. You were both the worst sort of coward. In some ways, it made you feel close to him. You had found a friend, at the very least. You told yourself to just be happy with that.

Working in Diagon Alley made it very hard to be happy with that.

You saw Fred and George Weasley in their shop but thankfully hadn’t run into them yet at the pub in which you worked, the very entrance to Diagon Alley. It was a godsend their home was above the shop and you wouldn’t have to see them come and go past your door. Despite being removed from their lives, you kept what tabs you could, especially after the war.

You’d seen Fred with a white sheet tucked over him, the sheet bloodied over his leg and dried blood at his temple. He’d been gone for a moment, George had said. They thought they’d lost him, they almost had. You were lucky to see him only sleeping and healing from his wounds. You’d made George promise that he’d never seen you there. One look at the pain in your eyes and George had nodded and let you go.

Now, you wished you would’ve stayed. You wanted to have held Fred’s hand until he woke and then you wanted to apologize for every lie you’d ever told him. Even now you found it hard to restrain yourself from heading to number 93 diagon alley and running into their shop only to fall to your knees and beg he understood why you lied and left him.

“Your shift ended ten minutes ago,” A gruff voice came from behind you and you shook yourself from you thoughts, looked to your boss, took your pay for the day, and then exited into the cool air of night. You could just as easily apparate home but you much preferred to walk. You liked to give yourself time to just be you. You didn’t have to pretend you and Ian were in love, you didn’t have to pretend you were happy with your life, you didn’t have to pretend that you weren’t in love with Fred Weasley.

You let a few tears fall but not enough to cause your eyes to grow puffy or your cheeks to become red. Ian had seen you cry enough as you both lamented on how you didn’t know how to leave one another when both of your families expected marriage, kids, happiness with each other. You didn’t want to make him feel like it was his fault, because you knew you made him just as miserable.

He wouldn’t expect you until late.

As you walked past the shop, you noticed that the main lights had been turned out but a few stayed lit on the inside as the twins walked around to catalog their product, clean up whatever mess had been made under the feet of children and adults alike, and then retire to their apartment upstairs. Only a small amount of shame burned in your veins as you took a seat that was cloaked in the shadow of night to watch the boys get to work. George was wearing an orange blazer and Fred had on a purple vest that fit him perfectly.

“She’s out there again,” George sing-songed to his twin as he looked from the corner of his eye to see your familiar profile leaning sitting on the curb across from their shop. It was cute that you thought the night alone was enough to hide you.

“Doesn’t matter,” Fred grunted, frown etched deeply into this features as George tried to get a rise from him. “She never comes in, don’t even know why she-”

“You know why Y/N sits out there,” George stated and Fred wanted to believe that George was right but it was hard to with those four words constantly bouncing around in his head. I don’t love you.

“She-”

“Bloody hell, you can say her name at least,” George scolded and Fred whirled around to meet his brother’s eye, stomping the ground with his cane.

“No! She made her choice and if she wants to right it then she has to take the first step. I wont say her blasted name until she gets the guts to tell me why she did it. I can’t love her if she’s always going to be under her family’s thumb and I’m sure I’ll hear about wedding invitations for her and that skinny bloke before I hear an explanation,”

“I think she wanted to when you were hurt- apologize and explain I mean,”

George was a good man and so for your sake he hadn’t told Fred immediately but Fred was his other half and neither of them kept the habit of keeping things from one another. Fred had been sulking in his bed one evening after finding an old necklace of yours mixed in with his things and he wasn’t even sure how the damn thing had managed to come with him from Hogwarts and stay tucked out of sight until he’d stumbled upon it.

It had thrown Fred for a loop and he’d silently cried into his firewhisky for nearly an hour before George had taken the thin chain from his brother’s hands and told him that you had never stopped loving him. Of course, you hadn’t told George that, but he could tell from the way you went pale at the sight of Fred unmoving. Fred had only been sleeping but the fear on your face had been palpable and heartbreaking.

It had helped ease the pain then but George knew now that Fred was waiting for something to prove that it wasn’t a lie, that you did still love him, that you’d been made somehow to leave him heartbroken.

“She’s leaving,” George sighed, nodding his head towards your back as you began to move towards your home which was another twenty minutes walk away.

“Good,” Fred hissed but as he looked after you he saw the heavy slump of your shoulders and the way your hair was falling loose from your ponytail and George say his twin’s gaze soften and melt.

“If you dont go and talk to her I’m going to bring her in here,”

“What? Hey!” Fred began to argue as George decided to take matters into his own hands if neither of you would. Fred had gotten quick enough with the use of his cane and he grabbed George’s arm to stop him from pushing open the door but his younger twin used this to his advantage and opened the door after pushing Fred against it.

“You git!” Fred hollered at the door, George now safely tucked inside with a smug grin. Fred went to grab his wand to unlock the door but George’s grin only grew wider as he waved Fred’s wand at him from behind the locked glass doors. “Let me in!”

Fred’s voice ricocheted off the buildings and you weren’t so far that you couldn’t hear the voice that you had missed dearly. It was a bit deeper now but you could still tell that it was his. You were frozen, feet paused on the cobblestone as Fred yelled at George. Why had George locked him out? You turned to watch as Fred shoved his shoulder against the door but with a sigh and a swing of his cane that did nothing to change George’s mind, Fred stopped yelling and stopped trying to get back in.

Fred looked down the street and found you were watching.

“He won’t let me in until I talk to you, you know,” Fred raised his voice just so you could hear him. You weren’t far but he couldn’t see the details of your face, couldn’t see what color shirt you had on under your jacket. Far enough that his voice didn’t quiver like he feared it would as he spoke his first words to you in years.

Your cheeks grew hot with embarrassment. Of course the both of them had seen you all the nights you’d spent as they’d closed up their shop. You hadn’t tried to stay hidden but you had hoped that a stranger on the street would escape their notice.

Your voice was caught in your throat but you took a step towards Fred, then two. Then you were arms length away from him and you felt like you couldn’t breathe. “He’s a git,” You finally achieved in speaking and Fred let out a bark of laughter.

“Years we haven’t talked and the first thing you say is an insult to my favorite person on the planet,” Fred chuckled, shaking his head good-naturedly when a sudden look of worry flashed on your face. “No, I suppose you’re right he is a bit of a git,”

“Didn’t mean to get you kicked out of the shop,”

“He was tired of me never saying anything when you....visit.” Fred decided on. Were you visiting? Watching? He wasn’t quite sure what your intentions were when you sat outside but he hoped it meant you missed him like he missed you.

“Fred I-”

“Did you know I found a necklace of yours a couple months ago? Somehow it’d gotten tangled on the thread of an old shirt of mine and I just stumbled upon it looking through my closet... Was a bit of a wreck after that. Must’ve been so pitiful because Georgie told me something I don’t think he was supposed to,”

“O-oh?” You squeaked, eyes growing wide with curiosity and a bit of fear. You still couldn’t read Fred. Was he upset? Was he sad? Or was he completely over it all? You weren’t sure how you’d feel if he had moved on completely. You prayed that what he had felt months ago finding your necklace was still present within his heart.

“Told me when I was sleeping after I’d been hurt that you’d come ‘round and just sat with me for a second before he’d come over. Said you didn’t want me knowing you’d been there. Why didn’t you want me knowing?”

His voice had become strained and his honey brown eyes followed your every move as you fidgeted in place, all the color vanished from your face.

“Didn’t think it would matter to you if I had been there or not, so why confuse you with the news that I had been there and scared to death that you were gone?” You choked out, thinking of Fred no longer being here to live and laugh and bring those things to other people was impossible to bear.

“I’ve been confused since the day you left me, Y/N,” Fred winced as your name rolled past his lips and you hated that you could see heartbreak in every line of his face and the slope of his lips.

“Was for your own good Freddie,” You said and you still believed it. “Still is, I know things are different after the war but my family is still- Well my mum and sister are still in control and I can’t-”

“Yeah, right,” Fred scoffed bitterly but let his eyes soften as he realized your father must have passed in the battle. “You can’t do anything without their permission. How's that going by the way? Does that poor guy you got strapped with realize you don’t love him? Does he even love you? Great way to live, Y/N,”

“You’ve got a lot of nerve Fred Weasley,” You sniffled, the venom in his words bringing tears to your eyes. “If I didn’t leave you, Emily would’ve destroyed your reputation, destroyed any chance of the two of you and George ever having this shop and destroyed you and I in the process. She’s not the most powerful witch but she’s got my mom’s money lining her pockets and enough of it to convince other people to listen to what she says. I left so you could live out your dream,”

“What about now? I’ve got the life I want and I’m not scared of your family, so why are you? Don’t you realize we could have figured something out together?”

“I just...things can’t be different,”

Fred watched you and he felt his stomach turn to steel. You truly believed nothing could ever change. He shook his head sadly, grounding his cane against the pebbles beneath his feet when his leg grew tired. His knuckles were white and hands cold. How long had you two been out here? Nothing had been solved and when Fred looked at you he felt like nothing ever could be. You’d given up.

“I want to love you Y/N, I do love you,” Fred admitted, watching your breath catch in your throat. “But when I look at you, I don’t see the girl I fell in love with. I-If I thought that you could leave what-his-name-”

“Ian,” You supplied for no reason other than to keep your tears at bay.

“If I thought that you could leave Ian and defy your mum, I’d ask you to be mine right away.”

“Why do you think that I can’t?” You wanted to reach out to him, to tell him you could figure out something, but the pit in the bottom of your gut was telling you otherwise. Even now you were scared of your family.

“You know why. Or should I ask you to be mine?”

“I am yours,” You chewed on your lip, unable to meet his eyes as you spoke the truth. “Never stopped being yours, but-”

Fred scoffed. “Exactly... It’s always going to be something Y/N. I miss you and trust me I do love you but if you can’t promise that you aren’t going to spook at the first sign of trouble from your family then I don’t think we can be together again,”

“What if I lied to them?” You begged, finally getting enough courage to grab Fred’s arm and you felt your stomach flip as you caught scent of his cologne. He hadn’t changed it since school.

“I deserve more than that,” Fred sighed. “I can’t be a secret, Y/N. And I know it wouldn’t be everyone but what does that lie mean? Does that lie mean you’ll stay with Ian and I’ll just be a late night call after you’re done with work? Does it mean I’ll only go to your place when he’s gone? I can’t be that for you,”

“Y-you’re right,” You sighed and Fred felt his heart break all over again. You wouldn’t change, not even for him.

“Goodbye Y/N,”

And with that, he was shuffling back into his shop, the door having been unlocked the second Fred had turned away from it.

Not trying to hide your tears this time, you apparated home and when Ian caught your eye, he didn’t ask. You locked yourself in your bedroom and didn’t come out.

“It’s too bloody early for this,” Fred grumbled, head pounding and eyes burning as he shuffled from his bed to his apartment’s door. Neither of the twins usually got visitors past the lobby of the shop so he was surprised when a rapid knocking had rung out while he’d been sulking in his arm chair.

George had awarded him the day off with a, “Get back in bed, you’ll scare off a;; the customers today and I don’t feel like losing the money.” Fred was thankful for it after he’d spent the previous day in bed after he’d spoken with you. Why hadn’t he been enough for you?

His scowl was ready on his face when he flung the door open. You stood there with a bashful smile and without a second thought, Fred slammed the door closed.

“Haven’t you done enough damage?” Fred asked through the wood.

“George let me up,” You called back.

“Doesn’t mean I want to see you,” He shot back and your heart lurched uncomfortably.

“What if I told you you wouldnt be a secret? That I spent the last two days removing myself from my family and moving to a different flat? That I’m a coward and a fool but I know better now and I don’t ever want to let you go again, if you’ll have me....”

“I’d say that’s a bit quick,” Fred mumbled, eyebrows knit together as he opened the door back and you let out a breath of relief. He was listening at least.

“Been wanting to leave them for ages, been ready to just vanish at the drop of a hat but I never had the courage and I didn’t think I had it but you’re right and I’m not living much of a life. I’m tired of being their puppet and I’m tired of breaking the heart of someone I only want to make happy,”

“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it,”

You hated seeing Fred so guarded but you knew he had more than enough reasons to be. You’d been terrible to him and made him believe that he couldn’t believe a word you said. The lies were over now.

“I love you Fred Weasley and I left once to protect your future but now I’m back and asking you to let me protect your heart,”

When Fred wrapped his arms around you and held tight, you squeezed back just as ferociously. Never again would you make him feel like you didn’t love him with everything within you. If your mother and sister tried to ruin your happiness, you would have him by your side to fight back.

You finally felt at home.

#fred weasley xreader #fred x reader #fred weasley #fluff #angst #request

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sunflowerkiwi93 · 4 years ago

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Now That We’re Done - HS

All Parts: HERE

Summary: A twenty year old dancer, Elizabeth Payne, is recovering from a traumatic past with the help of her older brother, Liam. The two of them have been yearning for peace for quite some time, and when a good friend comes to live with them for the summer they start their journey towards finding it. Through ups, downs, relapses, and two albums- Liz fights through her own mind to get better.

Warnings: There are mentions of abuse, PTSD, and anxiety throughout every part. Also- mature content. One of the guys doesn’t turn out to be so great- this story is not intended to give him this image. This is all purely fiction.

Part Seven

Laying down across my couch the tv played meaningless sitcoms as I scrolled through my phone. Twitter was alive as I interacted with some of my fans, and I watched the trending hashtags closely like I usually did.

Some people were tweeting questions about my sister, about my sister and Harry and about my sister again.

Her name hadn’t been out in the world this huge since it happened. She was posted all over social media, her face across nearly every magazine in the world with trashy articles written about her left and right. There were a few that steered away from it and supported her, and I personally reached out to those companies to thank them and to help them work on any future projects.

Now that Elizabeth had been spotted three times in the same month, the world didn’t know how to act.

What happened to my sister didn’t die down until a year after it happened. She went into hiding, we put her into hiding, and made sure she was completely out of the public eye.

A new tweet popped up to the top of my feed.

@julesstevens798: your sister sure knows how to run through your group of friends huh. #liampayneqanda

I stared at it for a moment and watched as a few replies followed it.

@onedxalways54: Shut up!!! U dont know her or them!! Leave her alone. She went through serious shit.

@julesstevens798: so she gets to whore around again with another one direction guy?! seems messed up to me. isnt she fucked up in the head anyway!?

I wanted to block her and throw my phone away, but instead I refreshed the page. Torturing myself some more.

@camcam_ryannn: @julesstevens798 And Harrys entire album was about Kendall who are we kidding. One D Always can shut her mouth. Harrys just looking for a fuck. #liampayneqanda

@julesstevens798: @camcam_ryannn and easiest way to get it is to use someone mentally unstable!!!! LOL!!!!

@camcam_ryannn: @julesstevens798 I bet she knows what shes doing too. How long has it been shes had sex am I right?!?!?

@julesstevens789: @camcam_ryannn lol girl, who knows where shes been and who shes been with!!!! they probably all slept with her when she lived with them before!!! probably why she moved in!!!

I stopped myself from reading the thread between those two girls and tossed my phone to the side. I buried my face into my hands and let out a scream. Something I could only do when I was completely alone. My heart was on fire and I could feel it through my entire body. I jumped up and paced around my living room. I tried reminding myself that those people online really have no idea what they’re talking about. They don’t know what's on the inside. They don’t know how many nights I held my sister as she cried herself to sleep.

How two years ago I found her lying on my kitchen floor in a ball screaming that she did this to herself with tears streaming down her face. I couldn’t get her up on my own, I could barely hold myself together. I knew I had to for her sake, so I called Harry. By the time he got to my house Elizabeth was sitting up with her face against my kitchen cabinets still sobbing as I tried to hold onto her. Harry ran through the front door, leaving it open behind him, and threw himself to the ground in front of her. He tried to grab onto her hands and she fought him away.

“Don’t touch me!” She shouted at him, “Don’t come near me!” Harry sat back and watched her. He looked all over her and closed his eyes.

“Elizabeth,” He said in a soft voice. She didn’t acknowledge him, “Elizabeth.” He said again, opening his eyes.

“Stop!” She shouted covering her ears. I sat back leaning against the cabinet next her and covered my face trying my hardest to hold back my tears. “Go away,” She demanded, “Go!”

“I’m not leaving,” Harry said in the same tone he spoke in before.

“Please! Leave!” She shouted, sliding her body down to lay completely on the floor where she was before. “You shouldn’t be here,” Her voice got quiet but still she cried. I looked up to Harry who was looking at me with a sad expression and he quickly returned his attention to my sister. “I shouldn’t be here,” She said quickly and stopped her crying abruptly.

“What are you talking about?” Harry asked, maintaining his gentle voice. Normally I could handle myself in a situation like this, but it never got this bad. My hands were shaking as I sat beside my sister unable to comfort her. She sat up and glanced around the room, not looking at me or Harry.

“I shouldn’t be here,” She whispered. Her lips were red, her eyes were bloodshot and her skin was pale and washed out. Her cheeks were stained with tears and her hair was in the same bun it's been in for weeks. It’d been a month since we’d been home from the tour.

“I don’t... deserve this,” Her hands started to shake. She tucked her knees into her chest, “I don’t deserve him, he’s so much better without me. I ruined his life. I don’t deserve to be here, to have you or anyone,” She looked to me with sad eyes, “Why is life worth it, why should I even try?” I reached over to hold onto her hands a bit too fast and she flinched, jumping away, pinning herself to the cabinet with a crash. She stared at me with her eyes wide open. My hands, still out in the air, fell to my lap and I cried.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” I said clearly, “You know me, you know who I am. I’m not going to hurt you.” She stared at me, her eyes still wide, and she watched me cry. We sat that way for a minute.

“No,” She said and swiftly stood up and hurried away from the both of us. Harry jumped up and chased after her. I took a deep breath and got up to follow them. When I turned into the bathroom where they were, Harry had my sister in his arms. He had his back pressed against the shower with Elizabeth facing away from him sobbing into her arms mumbling something I couldn’t even understand. Harry, still somehow staying strong, nodded at me and closed his eyes for a second.

“We have to take her,” He whispered and she sobbed again clearly shouting and disagreeing with him into her arms. I let more tears fall, swallowed my pride and left to grab the car keys.

Harry carried her out to the car clearly strong enough to resist her fighting and he held her against him in the backseat. No one spoke until the car was in park. Liz had stopped crying and uncovered her face to look at Harry. He gave her a soft smile. She sat up, looked out the window and let out a staggered breath.

“You should just leave me here,” She sniffled and wiped her face with her sleeves.

“We won’t be doing that,” Harry said firmly. She looked at him, then to me, then to Harry and began to cry again.

“Come on,” She fell back toward his chest and with that we brought her out of the car and into the hospital and stayed with her there overnight.

I fell back into the sofa and sunk into the cushions directing my attention to the TV. I did tap on my phone once to check the time. It read 8:07. I frowned at it, crossed my arms over my chest and looked at the TV again. Tapping my right foot against the floor I did my best to fight the urge of calling Harry. He and my sister had been out since about 10 o’clock this morning. He told me they’d be home before the sunset, but that timeframe was quickly coming to a close. I hadn’t heard from either of them all day. I had actually planned for nothing to do for the sole purpose of being free to answer my sister's calls, but I assume she’s fine. The moment I reached for my phone ready to call him, the front door swung open. Harry waltzed in with my sister under his arm and they were laughing. I watched them quietly. Elizabeth twisted herself around and wrapped her arms around Harry's back, her face in line with his chest. He was incredibly taller than her. Her chin was tilted up and she was smiling at him. His arms fell around her as he smiled back and touched his forehead to hers. He whispered something to her and she blushed. He whispered to her again and she grinned. Their eyes never parted.

She said something to him and he took a second to answer. Whatever he said to her made her frown, but he quickly said something right after to make her laugh. She pushed him away shaking her head.

“Harry!” She nearly snorted. I clicked the TV off and their heads turned to me in shock, both their mouths fell open.

“Hi,” I said happily and a little uneasy. Elizabeth hesitated a moment but then she hurried her way in the living room to hop on the couch beside me. Her face was glowing and her smile was beaming. Her hair and makeup weren’t as done up as they were when she left this morning, but she looked beautiful. She leaned into me for a hug. Pulling her in I saw Harry over her shoulder watching us with his hands in his pockets. He gave me a small smile, and I pulled away from Elizabeth before I thought about returning it back to him. My mind still influenced by Twitter.

“How was your day?” I asked giving her my full smile and attention. Harry looked unsure to me as he slummed his way around the other couch to sit down. My eyes didn’t deter from my sister. Elizabeth talked for fifteen minutes about the day they had, Harry chiming in now and then to answer her questions and to clarify things for me. The coffee they had, the records they bought, the hats they tried on, the drums that she played, the ice cream and the dinner they ate.

“I asked if we could walk the rest of the way home once we turned the corner to our neighborhood,” Her eyebrows raised.

“You know where that is?” I questioned pulling a face. She nodded.

“Course I do. I don’t forget Liam,” She poked a finger to my chest, “We got out of the car and walked,” She sighed, her eyes closing, “The air was wonderful. To be outside at that hour surrounded by nothing but green.” Glancing to Harry, his elbow was on the arm of the sofa with his head resting in his hand. He was gazing at her with a smile.

“It was so... ethereal.” She let out a breath as if she’d been holding it in. Harry and I were both surprised by her choice of words.

“You’ve been spending too much time with him,” I joked pointing to Harry. Elizabeth covered her mouth and laughed. She looked over her shoulder at Harry, the two of them smiling, and she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. I cleared my throat gently to break the silence and Elizabeth turned to me.

“I think I might go call Kens, is that okay?” She asked. I looked at her confused.

“You don’t have to ask,” I told her, “Are you okay?” My mind trickled back to Twitter.

“Yeah!” She breathed, “I just want to tell her about today that’s all.” Her smile was still on her face. Harry and I both let her go off to her room. Harry watched her all the way until she turned the corner of the hallway.

“So,” I started and waited for him to look back at me. I took a much needed deep breath, “It was a good day, yeah?” Harry sat forward, elbows to his knees, and looked me in the eye.

“You have the greatest sister,” He said, his voice quiet, “She and I had the best day I’ve had in a long time. Unbelievable to think of where she was just last year, mentally.” The use of that word threw my mind for a spin. I looked down at my feet and continued to listen.

“She went a lot longer than I thought she was going to. I thought after the record store we would’ve been done and coming back,” He scoffed, “I was very wrong.” I nodded along my eyes looking at him again.

“Liam,” He leaned forward a tiny bit more, “She was singing in the car, she was dancing to the music in the car, she was acting like she was when she was eighteen.” His voice was low. A smile snuck onto my face.

“I couldn’t tell you what’s happening,” I said truthfully, “She’s...” My voice trailed off.

“Getting better,” Harry finished my thought. We looked at each other with a smile before his fell. He sat back on the couch and looked at his lap. He looked like he had something to say. Now was my time to lean forward, elbows to my knees. His eyebrows were low as his eyes flickered to find mine.

“What?” I asked softly with a hint of big brother in it. Harry licked his lips and took a breath.

“We kissed in the park on the way home,” He spoke guiltily softly. I felt a tinge of anger. As a brother you don’t really want to hear those things about your sister especially from one of your good friends, and with the situation we’re in here at home I didn’t know how to take it. We sat in silence. The sound of Elizabeth's feet came barreling down the hallway. Harry and I both sat up straight to see her. She hightailed her way into me and nearly fell on top of me.

“Kens!” She exclaimed, “She’s so happy! She’s calling you tomorrow, Liam. I feel so great,” She held her chest breathing heavily, “Gosh, I can’t catch my breath.” She groaned, immediately looked to Harry and the two of them shared a laugh.

“Alright, well tell her I’m looking forward to it,” I grinned. She said goodnight to Harry and I, and popped her phone into my hands without thinking twice about it and walked back toward her room.

“I was on twitter not too long ago,” I started. Harry's head turned to me, “And I read some things I didn’t need to read.”

“Oh no, Liam,” Harry giggled a bit, “Don’t you remember the first rule from media training!” He joked and I could remember those days of sitting in a room for hours learning the ways. I talked over my laughter.

“I do, trust me, but as a brother I had to forget that rule.”

“How long ago was it on there?” Harry asked, pulling his phone out.

“Harry, you don’t have to-“ I started to say but he found it quick. He pulled a face.

“No, no,” He stated. His eyes continued to read and they shot open wide, “This is disgusting!” He shouted. I shushed him for Elizabeth’s sake.

“I know. It’s terrible,” I agreed. Harry tossed his phone on the coffee table not even bothering to lock it.

“Alright Liam Payne Q and A,” He scooted to the end of the couch he was on to get closer to mine, “What do you have to say about them, because I know something is coming.” Harry squinted his eyes. I know he’s waiting for me to get angry, and for me to throw a fit. He’s waiting for me to blame him. To put all of this on him as if he wrote those tweets himself because that’s how I used to treat this stuff. I brought my hand to the back of my neck and shook my head.

“It’s not her’s, nor is it your fault those tweets were written,” I said. Harry scoffed, telling me I was right, “It just makes me upset that people could think those things about her... and you.” Harry shrugged.

“That’s been our lives, Liam,” He explained, “Every person we’re seen with, every place we go, everything we say. All of it is always twisted, always pulled out of proportion. Everything everyone knows about us is not even half true.”

“Yeah,” I bobbed my head.

“Don’t let teenagers on twitter affect you or your life. You’ve come so far with your sister and you know her heart. You know who she’s been with and where she’s been. Right?” He schooled me.

“Right,” I answered.

“Right!” He exclaimed, “I kissed your sister, but I swear I won’t do it again nor will I lay a finger on her until I know you’re going to be okay.” He stated looking me straight in the eye. I could see the heat in his face, the passion behind his words. He spoke from his heart, he always has. With everything in me I trusted him. He’s stuck with us for so long, and he keeps coming back. He comes back to see her. He came back to help me take care of her on multiple occasions. Looking at our past it was clear his heart was always there at the frontline. He was just about to leave me and I stopped him in his tracks.

“Harry,” I said, lifting a hand to make him pause. He sat back down and waited. Folding my hands together I held them on top of my forehead, “I think... you need to...” Harry shook his head and shot me a crazy look.

“What?” He asked in a funny voice.

“I think you need to let it happen,” I said looking him in the eyes. He stared back at me in shock, and I could tell he had a smile in there somewhere.

“Really?” He whispered, not making a move.

“Yes,” I answered swiftly ignoring the darker side of my mind, “It’s clear you’re both... in love.” I thought of another word to use but there wasn’t one.

“She is?” He was still whispering and had barely moved.

“Oh, she hasn’t said anything?” I questioned, but smirked, knowing what I just did.

“No, neither of us said anything.”

I ran a hand under my chin and nodded.

“Interesting,” I said mysteriously. Harry still sat there frozen staring at me, “Harold, get it together.” I laughed, clapping my hands together. He didn’t move but his smile grew larger and larger.

“Thanks Liam,” He said, and with that he left the room and started down the hall to his room. He and Elizabeth both turn left at the end of the hallway to get to their rooms, and I’m the only one who makes a right. Letting that information marinate in my brain for a moment, it actually didn’t bother me as much as I thought it was going to. He got to the end and I’m pretty sure I watched him fist bump himself a ‘hell yeah’ as he turned the corner. I found my phone and held it up to unlock it. I quickly swiped out of twitter and went into my messages where I had two waiting for me from Kens.

K-Evening! It seems as though our girl has had a lovely day. I’d like to call you tomorrow for you and I to chat a bit about it.

K- Elizabeth told me you were okay with a call. I’ll be in touch tomorrow!

I didn’t bother to explain why I hadn’t answered, she knew I was home with Elizabeth and Harry. I sent her a thumbs up, locked my phone and started for my bedroom. Glancing to my left when I got to the end of the hallway, Harry's door was shut but my sisters was open. She always left her door open at night. I stepped to it quietly and peeked my head in. Instead of curling up into a ball like she usually did, she had both her hands over her head and she was laying on her back with her knees tucked in. She looked insanely at peace. I blew her a kiss and went to bed.

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sirrriusblack · 5 years ago

Note

Romantic prompt. Almost strangers,sit together in class one day because one of them forgot the texbook(everyone thinks this person loves to study,but they just wanted to get away from the people they usually sat with for a bit). Weekend. The one who borrowed the book last time is now cold and borrows the other one's jacket. Goes on for about a week. Everyone ships them. (They get together). Happy ending. The part in bracket are just suggestions. Ps- please dont do snily

Snily? As if I would. (I mean sorry to anyone who ships them but...)

Anyway thanks for the prompt @just-a-teen-fangirl I think you meant it in an AU but I’m sorry if I got that wrong. Also I was going to tryyyy not to do wolfstar but I mean, I have impulse control issues ummm. Maybe one day :)

tw for vague mentions of child abuse

* * *

Sirius heard someone clear their throat behind him. He turned around in the chair he’d been lounging in to find a tall, curly-haired boy with a scar running across his face standing behind him, looking more than a little awkward. He was wearing a black hoodie and blue jeans and was holding an exercise book and a graffitied pencil case in his right hand.

“Hey, uh, sorry to bother but I forgot my textbook and I was wondering if I could use yours maybe?” the boy asked, fiddling with the zip on his pencil case. Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Like, use it with you, maybe. Share it, you know.” He coughed, clearly not meaning to have rambled so much. Sirius bit his lip to keep from smirking. He recognised the boy; he’d spent more of the class admiring those brown curls from across the room than actually doing work, but they’d never really interacted. Sirius didn’t interact much with anyone though. At least not beyond the fake grins and small talk he made at parties and the like. Not beyond talking to James. But James wasn’t in his science class, so Sirius had taken to sitting alone, finding it more appealing than the other option; making new friends, having to explain his backstory, the scars, why he lived with James, what happened to his brother. And no one really bothered to approach him either. Until today. The boy’s name started with ‘R’, but that was all Sirius could remember. He had a group of friends he hung out with, Marlene, Lily and another short, blond kid. He only knew the girls’ names because James never shut up about how gorgeous Lily was, and nudged him and pointed to her every time she passed. And everyone knew Marlene. Everyone wanted to hang out with her. Or snog her. Or both. Sirius glanced over to the boy’s group of friends and back to him again.

“None of your friends have a textbook?” he asked, turning back to face the front of the room where the teacher was still writing the lesson plan on the board. Sirius sighed.

“Uh, no?” he said and Sirius immediately knew he was lying. He pointedly looked to Lily, who was leaning over the textbook. Sirius hummed. “Okay, fine, I didn’t ask any of them to borrow theirs because they’d think something was wrong if I left my textbook at home, and that’s cool or whatever but I really can’t be bothered with that shit and I—” Sirius cut him off, scared of how much he liked the boy’s rambling.

“Okay, you can sit down.” Sirius said, turning back to the front again. The boy cleared his throat and sat down in the seat next to him, opening his books and pulling a pen from his pencil case. He quickly glanced at Lily, Marlene and the other kid before he flashed a tight smile at Sirius. Sirius smirked back. He wasn’t sure whether to cringe or laugh at this situation.

“I’m Remus, by the way, in case you didn’t know,” he said, running his hands through his curls. Sirius didn’t want to to shiver, didn’t want to be so affected how bloody gorgeous this guy was. Remus. The name fit.

“Sirius,” he said in return, reaching his hand out. Remus shook it hesitantly and Sirius cursed himself for letting his childhood etiquette habits show to a very not fancy high school kid. He shook his head. Remus was looking at Sirius with a strange expression on his face. He didn’t like it. Or maybe he did. “How’d you get the scar?” he asked, knowing exactly how rude it was to ask. Knowing exactly how it would take Remus by surprise, probably push him away, make him regret sitting with Sirius. But Remus didn’t seem bothered. He laughed.

“No one’s ever asked that straight to my face.”

“Why?” Sirius could see something in his eyes, a gleam of amusement, of something more maybe.

“Probably ‘cause it’s considered kind of rude,” he explained, smiling. Sirius shrugged.

“Good morning everybody, today we’ll be continuing on from last lesson with the questions in the textbook. You may read the passage again, and look back on your notes from the experiment as well.” Sirius huffed in annoyance.

“Why does she even write what we’re doing on the board if she tells us anyway?” Sirius muttered, looking over to Remus, who wasn’t paying any attention but was instead drawing something on a blank page in his book. It was a night sky, and even though he only had one black pen, it was amazing. Sirius looked closer at what part Remus was working on; a constellation. His constellation. Canis Major. Sirius huffed a laugh. He wasn’t paying attention at all. “I guess that’s why.” Remus’ head snapped to Sirius.

“What?” he asked, oblivious. Sirius smirked.

“Nothing,” he said, turning away from the other boy to tie up his hair. He threaded his pencil through it for extra support and swore he saw Remus shudder. Shit.

“So, how’d you get the scar?” Sirius asked again, wanting an excuse to get away from the class more than anything. It was Friday, and Sirius wanted nothing more than to get to the Potter’s and lie in bed for all eternity. Remus just went back to his drawing and smirked.

“How’d you get that bruise on your eye?” he asked in return. Sirius laughed bitterly, thinking of last month, how his mother had smacked him across the face with her wine bottle. The bruise was just barely gone now, a faint brown and purple.

“Fair enough,” Sirius said, dropping the subject and leaned closer to look over the Remus’ shoulder. “You like drawing?” he motioned to the book, the constellation and the stars glittering across the page.

“Uh, yeah. Since I was little.” Remus looked up at him, and Sirius couldn’t help but notice how close they were sitting. He looked into Remus’ amber eyes, at all the varying colours. Sirius sucked in his breath as he looked down, and his gaze fell onto Remus’ lips, soft and—

“Boys! A little less staring and a little more working, please.” Sirius felt his cheeks heat as he leaned back and mumbled a quick ‘sorry, miss’ under his breath. Remus cleared his throat and ran his hands through his hair, no doubt cringing at all the heads turned their way. A quick glance between Remus and his friends’ shit eating grins had Remus’ cheeks reddening more. Suffice to say, the boys spent the rest of the lesson in near silence, sharing the textbook between them and ignoring every brush of their hands.

When their class ended, Remus mumbled a quick ‘thanks’ before he packed up his stuff and walked back over to his friends. Sirius’ stomach was tied in a knot, and he hated it. He hated that this random guy, with his random scar and his random hotness was having this effect on him. Yet when he saw Remus begin to walk out the door, Sirius couldn’t help but run after him.

“Hey, uh, Remus!” he called out, causing the curly haired boy to turn, confused. Something in Remus’ eyes shifted as he beheld Sirius. He muttered something to Lily and walked over, his hands fiddling with the zip on his pencil case again. Students streamed around them; they were boulders in a river, disrupting the water’s path.

“Hey,” Remus said, unsure. Sirius felt sick, nervous even, as he struggled to find something to say.

“Uh, sorry, stupid question, are you going to Dorcas’ party on the weekend?” Sirius asked. It was all he could think of. Remus’ eyes widened.

“I’m not sure, maybe...” he trailed off.

“Oh, okay... Well I hope you do.” Sirius smiled quite awkwardly and walked away, cursing himself, before Remus could reply.

* * *

“Shit,” Sirius groaned smoothing his hair over with the palm of his hand. James swung into the room, his hand gripping the doorway.

“What is it now?” James asked. He’d been waiting for Sirius for twenty minutes.

“I can’t get my hair to work. I’m not going, oh my gosh, I look like a fucking idiot.” Sirius was pacing the bathroom, much to James’ amusement when Mr Potter walked in, a jar in his hand.

“Language, kiddo, and here.” He threw the jar and walked out while Sirius was still scrambling to catch it. James cracked up laughing.

Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion: Two drops tames even the most bothersome barnet.

Sirius glared at James, and opened the jar, pouring three drops into his hand. “Thanks, Mr Potter!” he called out, finally satisfied with his hair. James turned to Sirius while they walked toward the front door.

“Why do you even care? You never usually do.” Sirius thought about those brown curls, that smug smirk and the intensity in those burning amber eyes. He thought about the constellation Remus’d been drawing in his book and the way he’d locked eyes with Sirius, like they could tell each other anything, like they could burn forever, together and in love. Sirius shook his head. He barely knew the guy. Shit.

“I don’t know, James.” Sirius’ voice was quiet and soft and he hated it. He cleared his throat and smirked. “Guess I just felt like dressing up, aye?” Neither James nor Sirius believed that.

* * *

Sirius hated to admit that he was looking for Remus before he even got to the party. Him and James were walking up the street and Sirius was watching every person surrounding the house or the street for that head of brown curls. He didn’t find him. James’ house was around the corner, less than five minutes, so the walk here had been quick and the boys hadn’t talked all that much. But James had noticed that something was happening with Sirius.

“What’s happening, mate?” he asked, hazel eyes piercing into Sirius.

“What?” Sirius asked, craning his neck higher to look at someone that could be Remus. It wasn’t. When Sirius turned back to James, his eyes were wide.

“Who are you looking for, and why are you dressed up? You hate parties.” It was mostly true, Sirius didn’t like parties all that much. When he walked into a room and the smell of alcohol hit him sometimes he’d be back in that place, back with his mother, her breath reeking of wine as she screamed at him, screamed slurs and threw glasses and all Sirius could do was sit there and take it, or his brother would have to instead. So no, he didn’t really like parties very much. But he didn’t hate parties. He told James as much but only got dissatisfied look in return. “Who are you looking for?” he asked again, following Sirius’ line of sight.

“Uh, no one, some guy from science, I need to ask him a question.” James cracked a smile.

“The guy from science with the golden brown curls and the glittering scars and the eyes of amber glass?” James asked, amusement dancing in his eyes. Sirius shoved him and opened his mouth to speak, to deny it, as he heard a voice behind him.

“James, I had no idea you felt that way about Remus.” Sirius lost his shit. He spun around, quicker than he thought he’d ever moved. Lily was standing behind them, an amused smirk dancing on her face as she poked fun at James. Remus was standing behind her, his face flushed pink despite the grin creeping onto his face. They all stood there in silence for a moment. Remus was wearing a burgundy t-shirt and a pair of black jeans, and was holding a glass bottle of some sort of alcohol. Sirius looked at Remus, at the utter lack of effort he’d put into his outfit and he almost laughed. Of course he hadn’t put in any effort, there was no way Remus actually liked him, no way he’d spent ages before the party choosing what he’d wear, fixing his hair. Shit. What was Sirius thinking? A song came on over the massive collection of speakers and James grinned.

“Care for a dance, Lilypad?” he asked reaching his hand out. Lily looked between James and Remus, conflicted, before she smirked and took James’ hand.

“Of course, James.” She seemed to direct the answer toward Remus, and the boy’s eyes widened. Even James was surprised. Both Sirius and Remus watched, shocked, as Lily followed James and started walking. Never in a million years had Sirius ever imagined that happening. He snuck a glance at Remus who, in return, was watching him. Both of the boys blushed.

“Golden brown curls?”

“Look, James was exaggerating.”

They both spoke at the same time which only led to more blushing and smiles. Remus crossed his arms. “So you were still talking about me?”

“What?”

“You said James was exaggerating. Which means you’ve still talked about me, right?” he asked, looking somewhere between amused and hopeful. Sirius didn’t see the hopeful. He opened his mouth, ready to deny it, but, he’d backed himself into a corner.

“I—I mean... yes?” Sirius admitted, his insides twisting in every direction. Remus nodded.

“Follow me,” he said, starting to walk towards the house. On the porch, there was a bench swing and surprisingly, it was empty. Remus sat and looked up at Sirius, waiting for him to take the space next to him. They sat for a moment, watching the chaos on the front lawn and listening to the music around them. Sirius looked over to Remus and swore.

“You’re shivering like crazy,” he said. Remus tucked his knees to his chest, bottle in his hand.

“Yeah I, uh, forgot my jacket.”

“First the book, now your jacket,” he said, taking his leather jacket off. “You’ve got the memory of gold fish,” he finished, handing the jacket over. Remus raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth to refuse but Sirius gave him a stern look, and he took it, chuckling.

“Thanks.” Sirius nodded in return. He’d admit—to himself at least—that James hadn’t been exaggerating. Sirius could get very... talkative when he was tired and the previous night he had been very tired. So, yes, he had said all of that. But Remus didn’t need to know. On cue, Remus took a swig of his drink and opened his mouth.

“I like you,” He blurted out. Sirius nearly shat himself.

“What?” he spat. Remus looked mortified and he ran his hands trough his tangled hair. If Sirius wasn’t stressing so much, he probably would have admired it.

“Um, uh, I’m sorry... I shouldn’t have said that. Never mind. I’m going to go get another drink.” He stood up, ready to make his way to the kitchen, ready to bolt straight out of there.

“Wait!” Sirius stood up and grabbed ahold of Remus’ arm, unintentionally triggering something in Remus. His soft, amber eyes turned hard, glazed.

“No, don’t!” He shouted, snatching his arm away and backing up slowly. Sirius stumbles back a bit too.

“Shit, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to...” He didn’t finish, didn’t know quite how to, But Remus’ eyes slowly softened again and his shoulders slackened.

“No, it’s not—I just” Sirius cut him off, glancing at the scar on Remus’ face, thinking of his own scars, littering his body.

“You don’t have to explain. Just... don’t go, please?” He hated the idea of this, hated how much he wanted Remus to stay, hated how much he liked this boy, hated how he barely knew him. Remus nodded and sat back down on the swinging bench. “Did you mean it—what you said?” Sirius didn’t need to explain. Remus hesitated, but still nodded. He didn’t look at Sirius, didn’t want to see his reaction, probably, in case it wasn’t what he wanted. Sirius reaches out again, slower this time, and placed his hand next to Remus’s— not quite touching.

“I like you too,” he whispered, ensuring that only they could hear, ensuring that this moment was theirs, and theirs only. Sirius hated the feeling of vulnerability, of uncertainty, but when he saw Remus grin, a mess of teeth and lips and absolute divine gorgeousness, his mind was clear of every doubt. Remus moves his pinkie on top of Sirius’, and both boys blushed, and grinned.

“Can I kiss you?” Remus whispered, still keeping the moment between them. It was like the whole party, the whole world, disappeared at that question. Sirius nodded. Remus moved closer and closed his eyes, still smiling. Fuck. Sirius closed the gap between them and fisted his hands into Remus’ jacket. When they broke apart, Remus huffed a laugh. “You want your jacket back?” Sirius had forgotten that it was his, and at this particular moment, he didn’t want it.

“Nah. You look hot in leather.” Remus’ next laugh was muffled behind the other boy’s lips, but Sirius could have sworn he’d never heard a better sound.

#wolfstar #wolfstar au #remus lupin #sirius black #remus x sirius #thank you hglb!#:)#my writing #thanks for the prompt :)#tw: child abuse

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seblore · 4 years ago

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do you have a favorite song off of the Folklore album? also could you pick a favorite lyric I'm curious. Also I hope you have a great day/night/afternoon/morning! <3

HEY ANON!!! hsbznms im honored you even felt the need to know my favorite folklore song <333 and a rant about folklore was a long time coming so this was the perfect opportunity tysm :D

my favorite song to listen to is 100% between cardigan & mirrorball.. they are just so... SO.... S O . . . . just. the entire ‘but i knew would linger like a tattoo kiss // you’d come back to me’.... THE SINKING FEELING I GET EVERYTIME... vile. and the ‘hush’ & the bridge in mirrorball... WORK OF ART <3 mirrorball was the first one that HIT after my first listen so yeah it is very dear to me

now emotionally? this is me trying takes the win & epiphany a very close second. i literally had a full breakdown while watching the this is me trying part of the long pond sessions. just the whole song hits so close to home justgrrgrrbarkbarkwoofwoofGRGRGRRGRG. ‘i was so ahead of the curve the curve became a sphere, fell behind all my class mates and i ended up here’ gurl bye <3 anyways moving on because im on the verge of tears L O L..... epiphany MAKES ME FEEL THINGS. not in the way of this is me trying rather a completely different feeling. it just leaves you hollow for a few moments doesnt it? and hearing taylor talk about the song really made it for me. ‘only twenty minutes to sleep but you dream of some epiphany.....’ [blanK STARE]

and favorite lyric??? singular??? NO <3 hehsjsks im gonna do one from each song 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

the 1: i thought i saw you at the bus stop, i didn’t though. WTF WTF WTF WTF?!?!? FELONIOUS.....

cardigan: literally the whole song bye

the last great american dynasty: they say she was seen on occasion pacing the rocks staring out at the midnight sea. . . the story telling the imagery the alliterations WHAT GOES ON INSIDE HER HEAD. MISS TAYLOR SWIFT IS NOT OK.

exile: those eyes add insult to injury. 👁 👁

my tears ricochet: and you can aim for my heart go for blood, but you would still miss me in your bones. i SCREAMED when i heard this for the first time.

mirrorball: the whole chorus whole bridge bye

seven: LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND TO SATURN and literally the whole song. THE BRIDGE??? m8 m8 m8.. ive been meaning to tell you i think your house is haunted....... .... ... no maam your mind IS haunted.... the complete innocence in the whole song i—

august: salt air and the rust on your door i never needed anything more. A SONG OPENS LIKE THIS WYD??? DO YOU CRY DO YOU LAUGH DO YOU GO FERAL WYD?????? and babe im not even gonna go on a tangent talking about the betty james august saga i just cant I CANNOT I CAN NOT

this is me trying: yeah like i said before... i dont wanna talk about this im gonna cry djsjsksk NEXT

illicit affairs: take the words for what they are, a dwindling mercurial high, a drug that only worked the first few hundred times. :SIGH: taylor allison swift you know damn well for you i would ruin myself a million little times

invisible strings: ✨💖✨💖✨💖 chains around my demons wool to brave the season.. one single thread of gold tied me to you. and then timee wondrous timeee give me the blues and the PURPLEPINKSKY ✨💖✨💖✨💖 honestly i cant believe she wrote a ao3 dot net certified soulmate au fic song

mad woman: WHEN YOU SAY I SEEM ANGRY I GET MORE ANGRY :D

epiphany: holds your hand through plastic now. how does she do this everytime i want to know........ the implications the accuracy the attention to detail... a perfect example of what makes a taylor swift song. this tiny little thing that happens in our everyday life that never jumps out to us, she takes that and makes it a whole moment... of course doctors touch us with a glove on... HOLDS OUR HAND THROUGH PLASTIC... PLEASE I AM .:;().(;):$;&[email protected]

betty: :DDD WILL YOU KISS ME ON THE PORCH IN FRONT OF ALL YOUR STUPID FRIENDS?????

peace: the whole song really is a piece of art that is so under appreciated but if i have to choose a lyric it would have to be: give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other..... again,,,,,, we all know this feeling so very well we all could feel the rush of emotions upon hearing this but have we ever sat down and really thought about this??? how we want to give the one we love a silence that only comes when two people understand each other?? NO WE DIDNT. AND SHE DID. This whole song TJIS WHOLE SONG ARSGSHHSHAGAH

hoax: my best laid plan. your sleigh of land. my barren land. i am ash from your fire. and then... my only one. my kingdom come undone. my broken drum [SCREAM]. you have beaten my heart.

the lakes: is it romantic how all my elegies eulogize me. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN WTF I AM ILLITERATE. WHY WOULD YOU OPEN A SONG LIKE THIS VILEVILEVILEVILEVILEVILEEEEEE

I AM OUT I AM RUNNING AWAY 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ why is she like this why why why why w—

#SORRY ANON I JUST RAMBLED ON AND ON AND ON IM SO SORRY #let me know what’s your fave <33 #have a great day too ILYYYYYY TYSM #answered 🗣#folklore era

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strayficks · 6 years ago

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EPHEMERAL 2 • JAEHYUN

Tysm for anons who had given me ideas!! and my asks is always open, feedback would be greatly appreciated ✊🥺💝

Part(s): 1 . 2 . 3

Genre: smut ✌

Pairings: bad boy!Jung Jaehyun × fem reader.

Jaehyun couldnt stop thinking about her. When Mark asked him what he was doing that night, he didnt say anything. He stayed vague and silent about it.

Maybe it’s the fact that he wants her to himself, or the fact that he always gets turned on everytime he thinks of her. Either way, Jaehyun found her interesting. When she left Jaehyun alone at the park, he watched her leave with nothing but confusion on his mind. Still, Jaehyun doesnt know her name yet.

He asked about her to Yukhei, he’s the last person Jaehyun trusted about telling things about her, but he’s the only person that knows about these things. To no avail, Yukhei doesnt recognize her. Jaehyun tried to describe her as best as possible. ‘Like.. this tall, she smokes, bold as fuck. Are you sure you dont know her?’ Jaehyun had asked Yukhei.

Yukhei stayed silent when he asked it, but when Yukhei asked him if she has her nose pierced, Jaehyun was esctatic. ‘Yeah, she’s my friend’s friend. Dont know her name. You definitely have a type, man.’ Does Jaehyun really? He had been on a couple relationships, but her? He had never met someone like her. So fascinating, so.. brave and alluring.

He cant stop thinking about her since she sucked him off at the park, sure, the sex was a bonus and all, but he’s hooked. Adamant on finding her again. But Jaehyun doesnt know what he’s going to do if he did meet her again. Probably have a nice little talk, or fuck her again until she came. The words rung in his head. ‘No’ she had said.

Jaehyun knew that was a lie the moment it came out her mouth. He rembered her legs being wobbly after he was out of her, the way her cunt tightened around his cock the same time he came. She’s a tease it seems. So when Yukhei told Jaehyun that there’s a party going on on friday, mentioning that his friend will come and the possibility that the pierced girl tag along, he was more than eager to meet her again.

“Fuck no!”

“Fuck yes! Look at yourselves.”

Jihyo rolled her eyes at your response. Your dress was the least conservative out of the group, even though it hugged every inch of your body as if it were a second skin, the girlsbdresses, however, consisted of much less fabric than yours. Ryunjin’s pink slip dress hugs her ass so well, and Jihyo’s little red number exposed so much cleavage you thought you were going to go blind if you stared too long.

Though they were barely covered, you had strange feeling that plenty of other girls at the party would be wearing much less.

The drive to the house was short, but the crowd to get into it went down the block and wrapped around the corner. There were a few cries as the the three of you entered the room. All eyes were on the three, well, mainly you and you know it. Some gazes are filled with lust and admiration, some filled with envy and jealousy. People dont affect you. In fact, their stares and whispers only made you more confident. You pulled your most charming smile, raised your chin and swayed your hips as you walked.

“I should’ve plucked your eyebrows if i knew this much people stare at you on a daily basis, Y/N.” Ryunjin snickered beside you as she nudged her shoulders with yours.

You fake a pained expression as you put a hand on your chest.

“How dare you! My eyebrows are better untouched!”

You felt Jihyo’s delicate hand squeeze your arm as she looked to a spot, a look on her face as she opened her mouth to speak.

“Fucking hell. It’s Hyunjin.”

That was when you saw him. Maybe you were hallucinating, but standing less than fifteen feet away with his arm around some random brunette and his eyes locked on you was the last person you wanted to see.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t Jung Jaehyun like you hoped. You stood frozen as you watched Hwang Hyunjin shove the girl away, not noticing the dirty look you gave him in response. Even if he had noticed, he probably wouldn’t have cared. It wasn’t like he had a heart. Hyunjin had been the main reason behind your sudden change of look, your ‘bad girl’ nature.

Your one year of involvement with him had resulted in you being arrested for various crimes, nearly being expelled from yet another school, losing your virginity in the backseat of his Jeep, and ultimately getting your heart shattered when you found him sleeping with your supposed best friend. To put it lightly, Hwang Hyunjin had kind of ruined your life, and now here he was.

Dont get it wrong. You changed because you wanted to. You realized that you need to change, and you did. You turned into a butterfly and you were free without him. If you hadn’t dated him, you wouldnt be the person you are now, and somehow you were thankful. Because without him, you wouldnt be able to grow up and snap out of the fantasy that you dreamed of.

“At least i look fucking hot tonight.” You said nonchalantly, “Gonna get a drink, be right back.”

Every muscle in Jaehyun’s body seemed to relax upon entering the core of the party, realizing that maybe this was just what he needed.

Yuta noticed the change in mood and clapped a hand on his friend’s back before leading him over to get some drinks. For a long while the duo chatted and drank as they observed the guests who had made an appearance. He took a moment to admire the girls all around them, smirking as his eyes drifted over their bare limbs and glistening skin, but Yuta seemed to be too preoccupied staring at two to even notice the other girls that Jaehyun pointed out.

“Damn,” Yuta murmured. “Those two get hotter every day.”

Jaehyun laughed. “Having fantasies about the those two again, Yuta?”

“How could I not? Doesn’t every guy fantasize about having a threesome?”

“Not really my thing.” Still, he gave Yuta a hard slap on the back.

“But if it’s yours…” Yuta’s grin was brilliant in the darkness

“Hell yes it is.” Soon he was shoving his half-full drink into Jaehyun’s hand and pushing away from the bar.

“If things go according to plan, don’t expect to see me for the rest of the night.” Considering the challenge, Jaehyun expected to see his friend back here in no time. Still, he wasn’t about to sit all night.

Decision made, Jeahyun stepped away from the safety of the bar and made his way into the crowd. It took a few moments to find a decent looking girl in a midriff-baring top, but soon he was pulling her close and joining the writhing mass of movement.

Sadly, it didn’t take long before he was bored again. He gently released the girl on his arm and threaded his way through the crowd again, searching for something a little more entertaining, but the passage of another twenty minutes and a handful of girls left him disappointed.

‘Where is she?’ He muttered to himself. As if on cue, Jaehyun was startled when Yukhei’s hand landed on his shoulder.

“That girl you were looking for? She’s here. Her friends told me just now.” He said, nodding to the two girls chatting with Yuta.

Jaehyun’s heart leaped when he saw her. How he hadn’t noticed the girl before was mystery, but now he couldn’t seem to tear his gaze away. She was leaning against the far wall of the room, a drink in her hand and pure boredom plastered across her face. Her dress clung to her figure in all the right places. It wasn’t until she met his gaze that Jaehyun realized how long he had been staring, still attempting to place her.

Part of him was tempted to look away and pretend like he’d never seen her, but she glanced away before he could even try. He watched as she smirked and passed her empty drink off to nearby partygoer, and had to wonder if it was him she’d been looking at in the first place.

However, those doubts quickly faded when she began moving in his direction. Jaehyun took a hesitant step forward, but even that small shift had caused him to lose her in the crowd. It didn’t help that a new group of girls had surrounded him, each pressing themselves against him in half-assed hugs. He barely avoided being snagged by one of the girls’ black talons as he turned in the opposite direction, praying he’d be able to escape them unscathed.

Unfortunately, the move caused him to bump straight into a pissed-off Hwang Hyunjin

“Watch where you’re going, asshole,” Hyunjin snarled, that hideous lip-piercing glinting under the lights. In an instant Jaehyun’s mood went from vaguely content to sour, all because this sorry excuse for a human decided to open his mouth. So instead of letting him pass, Jaehyun squared his shoulders and stood his ground.

“I think you should leave,” he said, nodding towards the exit Hyunjin’s lips twitched into a sneer.

“Excuse me?”

“Just get the fuck out the party.”

“I’m not leaving,” Hyunjin replied, hitching his chin up in defiance.

“Not until my ex-girlfriend explains why she’s h-”

“I don’t give a damn about you, Hwang,” Jaehyun finally exploded, all traces of patience fleeing.

“Either you walk out that door right now and keep your dignity, or I call the boys and have them throw you out. Your choice.”

Hyunjin’s eyes flitted to something Jaehyun’s shoulder, but he didn’t take the bait to see what had captured Hyunjin’s attention. Instead he waited until the other boy scowled and turned sharply on his heel, stalking towards the exit.

A glance to his left revealed the girl he’d been staring at earlier dancing as if no one was watching with her arms high above her head as her hips swayed to the beat. It didn’t take much to convince himself to go over to her, hoping she could make his night better.

A few steps brought Jaehyun up behind her and he settled a hand on her waist, letting the other drift down to her hips. The girl glanced over her shoulder, offering Jaehyun a slow, unsurprised smile that made his stomach twist into knots.

“You showed him,” she teased, obviously referring to his run in with Hyunjin, her head falling back onto his shoulder He could smell the alcohol on her breath, but her softly drawled words brought a smile to his lips

“You came, you never told me you knew Yukhei.” he murmured, pulling her closer as the heavy bass line resounded in his chest.

Her response caused him to flirt with the notion that this could be Hyunjin’s ex-girlfriend, but the fact that her hips were now grinding against his own made any other concern that didn’t involve getting her into bed disappeared. Jaehyun lost track of time while they dancing.

The music was good, company, and the fact that they’d hardly exchanged any words was even better. The passage of what seemed like an eternity had brought and now jaehyun was finding it hard to move without stumbling or bumping into a neighboring person.

But seemed like the girl having the same problem. He was practically the only thing keeping her from going down in those heels, his arm wrapped possessively around her waist as her hips pressed hard against his.

“Come home with me,” Jaehyun whispered against her ear, hands sliding down her hips. The girl leaned back just enough to meet his eye.

“Why should I?”

“Because you want this as much as I do- and i want to make you cum.”

His hands were on her thighs now, fingers inching up under the material of her dress. It only took her a moment, but she grabbed his hand and smiled, taking a shaky step backward as she tugged on his hand.

“Then let’s go.” Hand in hand they stumbled out of the house and onto the sidewalk, her giggles echoing down the busy street.

When she realized she had no idea where she was going, Jaehyun took the lead and guided her another block or so down the street to the dormitory. Jaehyun felt her hand slip out of his once they were alone, before he even thought to question it, her mouth was on his and there was no more time for words. A shiver rolled down his spine as she pressed herself against him. The door slammed shut with enough force to shake the room as they staggered towards the bed, his fingers finally managing to snag the minuscule zipper of her dress and yank it down, though much to his chagrin it didn’t instantly pool at her feet.

Her throaty chuckle made it obvious that she was well aware of his annoyance, and the fact that she was doing nothing to help him out only made it worse.

Before he could even think to voice his displeasure, her lips were on his and they were suddenly falling onto the bed, soft pillows absorbing the shock of the fall.

Even though the actual impact hadn’t hurt, something sharp had scraped his cheek, and Jaehyun turned his head to break the kiss, swatting her hands away, he reached up to touch the small cut on his face, startled when he drew back to find blood on his fingers.

His eyes darted up to the girl straddling him, but her gaze was trained on the red-specked spiked ring on her finger. It took her a moment to put two and two together, but a sheepish grin spread over her face when she realized her jewelry had been the culprit.

“Sorry,” she murmured insincerely, slipping the ring off her finger and tossing it to the side as if it were a mere toy.

“Let me make it up to you.”

You met Jaehyun again. You were surprised but surely not disappointed. You chuckle to yourself, remembering Hyunjin’s face after he was kicked out by Jaehyun. You slid your bra off and exposed your breasts to him, you felt him slowly slide his hands up your waist, sending shivers through your body, until his hands cupped both your mounds. His eyes were completely trained on your peaks, watching them like they were more valuable than anything in the world.

“So you know Yukhei?” Without replying to your question, he leaned in and sucked one nipple into his mouth, causing you to gasp and arch your back. He flicked his tongue slowly against it, torturing you

“God,” you moaned, curling your toes when his teeth taunted your hard nipple, sharply biting into it, causing a zing of delicious pain to shoot through you.

“Ah, Jae..”

The flick of his tongue and the squeeze of his palm made moisture flow to your core and soak your already soaking panties. Beneath you, you could feel his erection growing, pressing against said core, almost as if it knew where it wanted to go all by itself. The suspense was killing you.

“Jaehyun,” you moaned again when he switched to your other breast, giving it the same amount of attention with his and teeth. Finally pulling away from you, kneeling above you as Jaehyun looked down at your underwear.

“Fuck, youre gorgeous,” He noted in a deep, aroused voice. His eyes lustfully trailed over your figure, your skin, down to the spot between your legs. You felt scorched.

“But I think I’m going to need to take it off you.”

“Only if you take off those, too,” you rebuffed and eyed his briefs where behind the cotton. You could see a very large bulge making a tent out of the fabric.

“Fair trade,” He said and then split his mouth into a panty dissolving smirk, before he begun tugging at his briefs.

You begun working on your panties as well, but had to stop when he stepped off the bed to discard his briefs, allowing your full view of his-ahem ‘Cock.’ Heart beating rapidly, you couldn’t help but stare. He was thick and gloriously erect, the head of him glistening with precum.

The heavy sac underneath was what thoroughly finished him off as being the biggest you had ever seen, you havent taken a good look when you first had sex with him at the park, but seeing him now, damn, He has such a beautiful cock.

You deftly stepped out of your panties and then walked up to Jaehyun again. You were now completely naked. His hands came around your legs and smoothed their way up to the rounds of your ass.

He cupped your butt like two delicious, juicy fruits and then squeezed them hard, causing a moan to rip from your throat. You grasped onto his shoulders for support and then let out a startled squeak when he ceased you and hurled you around on the bed. You landed flat on her back, and not one moment later, Jaehyun was on you.

“Jae, oh shit!” You gasped and then cried out a moan when he parted your legs and buried his face in your cunt.

A small scream rippled from your throat and you desperately clutched onto his shoulders as Jaehyun pushed his tongue into your core and made your stomach pool with heat. All your nerve endings seemed to meet when he moved up to your clit and flicked the sensitive bud before sucking it into his mouth, rolling it in between his teeth.

He lapped up all your juices while all you could do was writhe, scream, and pray that the sex-gods would show you mercy tonight, because this is going to be a wild one.

He suddenly flung your legs over his broad shoulders as you hazily opened your eyes from the ecstacy. The sound of the foil being ripped can be heard as he positioned himself in front of your entrance.

“You said you didnt cum? I wont hold back this time.” He stated. automatically cinching hips. His mouth found yours again, dominating you once more. She gripped onto his shoulders, dragging your fingers up through his hair.

And then in a wild thrust, he was inside you. You cried out, Jaehyun ramming into you hard and repeatedly. You hung onto him, your lips parting in hitched breaths. You clawed your nails down his chest, just like his teeth bit into your neck.

“Fuck, Jaehyun!” You hollered, throwing your head back, you couldn’t control your movements. He was hitting you so good, exploding stars started decorating your vision.

He felt so deep and so perfectly, long and thick inside you.His aggressiveness had you pining for him. Hard was the only way you wanted it. For now, anyway. Both your mouths found each other again and Jaehyun savored every part of you, the fast, furious strokes of his cock inside you quick. You could feel herself get close, you manage to corak out, letting him know what he’s doing to you.

“Jae… fuck, almost there, yes, oh fuck, yeeeees!” Jaehyun pounded into you grunting while you dipped your head deeper into his bed. Even then, high, pitchy sounds kept coming out of your mouth in short breaths as he fucked you into oblivion.

His fingers drilled into you breast, leaving more bruises as his hips and strokes finally pushed him over the edge well, joining you in your climax, his bldy going rigid as you felt the muted splurts of his cum inside you.

“Hey…maybe we can go get coffee sometime?” he offered, simply just trying to catch his breath. Sweat and bite marks covered both your bodies, scratches down Jaehyun’s back as well.

“I have to get back to my friends, they’re probably looking for me.” You said gruffly, an excuse just flung put of your mouth. Picking up your discarded clothing on the floor. Your voice was unattached, like you wanted it.

“Wait- at least tell me your name.” You pulled away from him, forcing him to let go of you. You then quickly put on your bra and dress, palming you panties in your hand while Jaehyun simply just stood there, trying to comprehend what just happened. You then ran a hand through your hair, straightening it, not regarding him with a look, for some reason. You looked like you were going to leave without saying anything at all. Jaehyun frowned.

“Wha- why…” The words froze on his tongue when your eyes met his. You quickly gave your panties to his open palm, covering it with yours as he grasped it tightly, a coy smirk on his plumb lips, the scratch on his cheek still apparent.

“It’s Y/N, I’ll see you around.” And then you stepped around him and slipped out of the room. Closing the door behind you.

#jung jaehyun smut #jung jaehyun #nct 127 smut #nct imagines #nct 127 #nct smut #nct jaehyun #jung yoonoh #jung yoonoh smut #jaehyun smut

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feenyreadscomics · 6 years ago

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Rosaries, pt. 5

Sorry for leaving on a cliffhanger! Last time, Matt had given up being Daredevil (though not officially, he's just depressed, and that's preventing him from Daredeviling) and turned to even worse coping mechanisms (self harm) and Foggy is about to beat his door down and fistfight Matt's brain, while Steve trails him, and Steve still doesn't know what's up. This installment will be a bit happier, as Matt gets help, and goes on vacation. Basically, this is a bit of a fixit from last time. Also I have decided Matt is tiny. For the sake of this, assume foggy told Steve matt was Daredevil on the way there.

Matt heard a banging at the door. "Matt! It's me, Foggy! And apparently a friend of yours!" Shit. Now's really not the time. "I know you're in there!" Matt quickly put the lighter and knife in a drawer. He unrolled his flannel sleeves, covering where he had burned himself. "We, and by that I mean Steve and I, want to help you!" Then Foggy started messing with his keys. Shit. He was coming in wheather Matt wanted him to or not. "I'm coming in, so you better be decent!" Matt walks into his living room.

The door opened. Foggy came barging in, heartbeat racing and smelling of concern and the crap coffee Karen makes and bagels and just. Goodness. Foggy is so good and he... isnt. He can't be good. He has blood, so much blood, on his hands. "Hey buddy, what's wrong?"

Silence. Steve trailed in.

"Come on, let's go sit down." Foggy sat down on the couch. Matt sighed and sat down next to him. "Actually, do you want some tea?"

"No." Matt tilted his head. "Steve, you can come sit down too." Steve walked over and sat down. Foggy put his head on Matt's shoulder, and threaded his hand through Matt's, absentmindedly running his thumb along Matt's hand.

Then Foggy felt a ridge along Matt's wrist. Really, it was a blister. Matt bit back a grimace, and heard Foggy's heart rate accelerate.

"Foggy. I'm ok."

"No, I'm fairly certain that's a burn. And you haven't been Daredeviling, you cant give me that as an excuse. So. What's up? Is this third year all over again?"

Matt nodded and mumbled something about it not really being like that, but yeah, it was also a bit like third year.

"Ok, then. You are going to get up with me, and we are going to run this under cool water, and do the medicine stuff we need to, and maybe see about getting you a goddam therapist"

Steve let the language thing slide. So did Matt. Foggy got up, dragged Matt to the kitchen sink, and ran his wrist under cool water.

"Does that feel better?" Matt nodded. Foggy dried off both his and Matt's hands, went into the medicine kit, and found the aloe. He applied it to Matt's burn, and then hugged Matt. Matt returned the hug. They stood there, hugging for a while, Matt resting his head on Foggy's shoulder, Foggy stroking Matt's hair.

Eventually Matt breaks the hug, and Foggy pours himself and Matt a glass of water. "Steve, do you want any water?" Steve nods.

They sat in Matt's kitchen for a bit. Matt sullenly drank his water, and Steve sat there rigidly, back straight, hands in lap, like he was a child told not to touch anything. Foggy waited for Matt to finish, then gave him a few minutes.

"Ok, now you are properly hydrated. When was the last time you ate?" Foggy asked.

"Only an hour or so," Matt replied cooly.

"And you ate what?" Foggy shot back. Matt grumbled.

Foggy got up and went into Matt's fridge. Empty. Damn. "Okay Matty, pizza or Thai?"

"Not hungry." And it was true; Matt wasnt feeling super hungry.

"Matty, you need to nourish your body. Not punish it. So, pizza or Thai."

"Said I wasn't hungry."

"Thai it is. Steve, do you want anything?" Foggy slides Steve a menu. Steve stared at the menu with an expression of total confusion.

"Do you like spicy food?" Foggy asked. Steve shook his head. "Pad Thai it is," Foggy responded.

Foggy called and placed the order. "Okay, they should have it ready in twenty minutes." Foggy sat next to Matt and put his arm around him. Matt leaned into the hug. Steve moved to Matt's left, and made a Matt sandwich, placing his arm around Matt as well. They sat there for a bit.

"The delivery guy is coming."

"Ya know, I don't think I'll ever get used to that." Foggy got up and made it to the door just as the delivery man arrived. He paid, and brought the food back.

Matt and Steve prayed over it, and then everyone started eating. Matt had a few bites, and then realized he was hungrier than he thought. Slowly, surely, Matt started to feel a bit better. He listened to Steve and Foggy as they ate. He could tell Foggy had mixed his food. Steve attempted chopsticks, failed, and switched over to a fork, judging by the dropping noises.

"Okay Matt, I'm going to give you the sniff test." Foggy lifted up Matt's arm and sniffed his pit. "Ew. For someone with super senses, I dont understand how you can stand yourself. Go shower. Do you need me to find clean clothes for you, or do you got it?"

"I can do it, Foggy."

"Ok, go shower. I'm doing a check in fifteen, so dont even think about drowning yourself." Matt made a face, then walked into his bedroom. He came out a few minutes later and headed into the bathroom.

"Sooooo..." Steve stared awkwardly into space.

"Soooo.... I bet you have questions."

"Of course. He is blind, right?"

"Depends on what you mean by blind. His eyeballs don't work. But he can basically echolocate. A true batman." Steve gave him a look of disbelief. Foggy continued. "Look, aliens are a thing now. You were basically dead for seventy years. This isn't the craziest thing you have heard of." Foggy paused. "Also he can probably hear us right now. Supersenses." Steve nodded.

Matt came out of the shower, dressed in an old tshirt and basketball shorts.

"Ok, Matt, now we are going to talk about how you are feeling, and eventually, why you lied to me, and why Captain Goddam America came into our office. I am going to need you to not ninja away." Foggy grabbed Matt by the wrist, and set him down on the couch. Steve awkwardly followed. "So. Talk. Why are you upset?"

Matt shook his head. "I can wait all day." Foggy stared Matt down.

Matt took off his glasses and stared back, milky blue eyes meeting Foggy's. "Please leave it alone."

Steve speaks up. "Would going to church help?" Matt nods.

And then they are outside, hailing a taxi.

They go in, Foggy being extremely uncomfortable, and find Fr. Lantom reading out of a book. Fr. Lantom closes the book, and waves. Matt sits down next to him. Steve and Foggy awkwardly move to the back, hoping to give Matt some privacy.

Fr. Lantom and Matt talk. Matt cries; he cries for the boy he couldn't save, for Mr. Smith that he couldn't help. For all the people he couldn't save. He cries over the injustice of it all.

Eventually, Fr. Lantom leaves. Steve and Foggy make their way up to the front. They sit, one on each side of Matt, embracing him, and Matt cant help but to feel like the angels and saints are surrounding him. Eventually Matt makes his way in front of the tabernacle, Foggy and Steve still hugging, still protecting him. Matt sits down directly in front of the tabernacle. He pulls out a worn, rope rosary and starts muttering, feeding the knots through his hands. Steve pulls out his own rosary, joining his own voice. Foggy, unsure, runs his hands through Matt's hair.

In the second decade, Matt starts crying again. The trio sits there for a while. Eventually, Matt gets up, dries his tears, and walks out. Steve and Foggy follow.

Matt seems to be getting better, Foggy thinks. He comes into the office with a smile the next few days, and will call Foggy when he feels the urge to self harm. But still, Matt has the remarkable (Catholic) ability of suppressing his emotions, and Foggy just can't be sure everything is okay now. Particularly since Foggy hasn't seen any Daredeviling going on.

If Matt were normal, Foggy muses, he wouldn't be Daredevil at all. But Matt has been hurt, hurt badly, and so he is a vigilante. And lawyer, because he hates himself. But things get really bad when Matt isnt regularly bashing criminals heads together. Which is disturbing. God, Matt needs therapy. So something is up.

That Saturday, Foggy gets a phone call.

"Hey, Foggy? Can I ask a favor?"

"Sure bud. What's up?"

"Would it be ok if I took some PTO?"

"I think so. Can I email you files so you can help out a bit?"

"Yeah. I'll be sure to pick them up."

"Can I ask what for?"

"I need to think about some things. Get out of the city, clear my head, that sort of thing."

"Can you keep me posted about where you're at?"

"Sure."

"Have fun."

"You too." Matt hung up.

Matt was just getting seated and comfortable on the train when a man sat down next to him.

His hair sounded like Foggy's college hair, swishing as he moved. The most notable thing though, was his arm. It whirled and clicked, and blood didn't flow through it. It also vibrated, not an unpleasant frequency, but unnerving just the same. He carried a large duffel, full of metal and plastic parts that clanked together as he threw it in the overhead compartment.

"Is the seat next to you taken?"

"No."

"Mind if I sit here?"

"Go for it."

The strange metal armed man sat down, and the train began to move.

Thank you for reading! So to recap: Matt is now out of New York and has met Bucky. (Matt doesn't know who he is yet) They are going to go on travels through the US, and on the run, while Steve and Foggy are in NYC, being team Blondie (Foggy in this is a very dirty blond, so often people will say he's brunette.) This does take place after CA:TWS, but I don't remember all the details of that movie. So here we are.

It does come up here, but basically: Foggy doesn't recognize it, but DDing is a form of self harm for Matt (headcanon here, and DDing doesn't have to be, but Matt doesn't take care of himself) and it requires a lot of effort. So not DDing means he doesn't have enough energy to deal with his shit.

Responses and comments are appreciated. Feel free to message me with any input you might have!

#rosaries #matt murdock #steve rogers #daredevil #captain america #self harm #depression

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phan-of-the-pen · 6 years ago

Text

I Dare You To Stay: Chapter 19

hope you enjoyed the fluff this is SAD

Tags for chapter: MAJOR angst, talk/mentions of depression/mental health issues, minor issues of self worth

Words for chapter: ~2.5 k

Fic Summary: Dan Howell is a barista working a shitty job, frequenting his shitty apartment, and living a shitty existence, hiding his asexuality and going for a PHD in self-depreciation and depression. Phil Lester is a part-time intern, part-time employee at a local weather station, trying to get experience in his field and make a name for himself, while juggling a second job at the nearby Tesco’s to give him some financial breathing room. Their paths were never supposed to meet, but what happens when they do anyways, one rainy day in Manchester?

(ao3!)

<– Previous chapter Next chapter -->

~~~~~~~~~~

Dan ignored yet another buzz from the phone in his pocket. Like the past four this morning, this message would too be from Phil, and Dan just couldn't bring himself to look at them.

All of the texts boiled down to Phil trying to make up his absence to Dan, but Dan just wasn't in the mood to try and pretend to be anything but exhausted. His limbs were heavy and his heart was slowly numbing. Phil leaving was only part of the problem, but Dan just couldn't bring himself to shoulder it at the moment.

Phil was spending the next few days shadowing a retired but incredibly knowledgeable meteorologist. Dr. Mathers had worked with the weather station Phil was a part of for decades, and he had earned several awards for his work. He was more qualified in retirement than some of the meteorologists that were currently working in the bigger stations, and taking the time to learn from him was an opportunity that both Phil and the station couldn't pass up.

Normally, Dan would be just as excited and happy as Phil about something like this, but recently getting out of bed was an uphill struggle. He felt horrible about not being as outwardly supportive as he should have been, and he didn't know how to make it up to Phil. Even if he did, he wasn't so sure that he would be able to go through with anything, not with how much his mental health was crumbling in his hands.

It was the beginning of the second week in the new year. Jaime had left nearly two weeks ago on the 8AM train back to London on New Year's Day, and her departure had carved a deep chasm in Dan's soul. As angsty and emo as it sounded, he didn't have another way to describe how he felt. She had been going back and forth for what seemed like so long, and those two weeks that she had spent in Manchester had been almost solely devoted to just the two of them. Dan had been rendered nearly breathless with the realization of how much he had missed Jaime, and he had greedily drunk up every moment they spent together in the vain attempt at sedating an endless desire to be around her.

What he had failed to account for was how alone he felt now that she was gone; it was like he was missing his arms, or his legs. And it wasn't like he was entirely without her. They would text and Facetime, and he would skype her whenever they had the chance, but it was nothing like the real thing. Jaime wasn't meant to be simplified to just the pixels on his screen. In a way, her absence now hurt even more than her initial series of trips back and forth from Manchester to London.

Before Jaime's Christmas break, Dan had survived the separation by spending his spare time with Phil. Their blossoming relationship ended up flourishing because of it, and Dan was extremely grateful for how much they ended up strengthening the foundation that their relationship was built upon. These past two weeks have done nothing up test that foundation, however.

Phil had cancelled so many of their shared plans that Dan had only seen him twice in the past two weeks, and neither of those times were longer than half an hour stops at the coffee shop. Both of the two times that he and Dan had seen each other Phil had promised Dan that he would stay for at least an hour, but by the time twenty or thirty minutes were up his phone would ring and Phil would drop everything to answer it outside. After talking animatedly on the phone with a frown for ten to fifteen minutes Phil would reappear and shake his head. He'd chug down the rest of his coffee and walk out the door. "I'm really sorry, Dan, but I have to go. It's work." Phil was also only answering maybe half of the texts that Dan sent him, and he had acted horribly distant in the few and strained interactions the two had had.

Dan was as hurt as he was worried. Phil was shutting him out from something, and Dan wanted to be there for his boyfriend and smooth out the stressed creases in his forehead and surround him in a soothing hug. At the same time Dan was suffering from severe anxiety about the whole thing. He had never had the chance to talk to Phil about how he had been hurt from being shut out before, and now didn't seem like a good time.

He couldn't turn to Jaime because she was busy with the play, and he didn't want to spoil one of their few talks with his relationship problems. Good things to drown out the bad things was what he wanted right now, so talking to Jaime about this was out of the question. He couldn't lean on his boyfriend because Phil was not only dealing with something on his own, but currently all of their conversations were giving Dan skin-crawling anxiety with every terse word Phil gave him.

Dan didn't even have Mary.

She had been in the coffee shop once in the past three weeks, and it had been to tell Dan and Jaime that she wouldn't be around for a little. She needed a surgery to finally get some help for her bad knee, and she wouldn't be able to make the trip to the coffee shop for two months in her old age.

Part of Dan was happy to know why she had been acting strange a few weeks ago, but another part of him was sad and upset that he wasn't going to be seeing her for a while.

While Dan would never concern her with a problem of this magnitude, he would have killed to get even one morning with her. A little "Good morning, Daniel!" would have made his whole week, especially in the midst of all of this crap.

Dan unlocked the door to the coffee shop and flicked on the lights. He tossed his jacket into the break room and immediately and mechanically started to set up for the day.

He shovelled coffee grounds into one of the brew machines and slumped against the counter as he waited. His stomach grumbled a little as coffee started to permeate the air, but he didn't make a move to try and fix it. He hadn't eaten since his pitiful dinner of a slice of old pizza last night, and considering the fact that he didn't bring a lunch with him, it wouldn't be until he got home until he possibly would eat again.

Dan could just grab something from the case—they were allowed to—or even stop in one of the many shops up and down the street, but he didn't care if he didn't eat.

He didn't care about a lot right now.

Dan scrubbed at his face, exhausted in many more ways than just physical.

He had seen his therapist a few days ago, and she had warned him that he needed to try and prevent himself from falling further down this hole he was spiraling down, but Dan didn't really take her advice to heart. When he crawled out from this latest depressive episode he knew he would regret not listening to her, but right now he was empty and lonely, and that voice in the back of his head was too loud for him to ignore.

He didn't have his boyfriend. He didn't have his best friend. He didn't have Mary. He was all alone.

And it hurt. More than he could try and articulate, really.

~~~~~

Dan pushed the bag of crisps away from him, his minuscule appetite already gone. He wrapped the blanket around his body tighter and stared blankly at his television screen. One of the series he had been watching with Phil had uploaded a two hour season finale, but Dan wasn't absorbing a single second of what was being played. His stomach grumbled, but Dan only frowned and buried deeper into the blanket. He really didn't want food right now.

He didn't really want anything right now.

No, that was a lie.

He wanted someone. He didn't care if it was Jaime or Phil, or anyone else, but he needed some kind of human contact. Dan desperately wanted someone to help him pull himself out of his head space.

Dan slipped his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it. He had two unread texts from Phil that had accumulated since the last time that Dan had checked his phone a few hours ago. He ignored them for now and brought up the thread he and Jaime had.

> To: my maraschino cherry are u around?

It was close to an hour before Jaime responded. Even with her uncharacteristically late reply, Dan's heart still soared. He clicked on the new text.

> From: my maraschino cherry [multimedia message]

at a party rn. we did our first run of the whole set today! so we're celebrating lmao

anyways

did you need something? I can easily duck into a room, np danny

The picture attached was one of Jaime in what looked like someone's lounge. The whole thing was a little blurry, but Dan could easily see the sheer happiness on his best friend's face. Her arm was around an attractive blonde, their faces pressed together as they both widely and drunkenly looked into the camera.

Dan instantly felt guilty for bothering Jaime. She was having so much fun. There was no reason for him to not only ask her to momentarily leave the party to talk to him, but to also trouble her with the knowledge that he was rapidly slipping into a deep depressive episode. It would kill her mood and make her needlessly worry about him.

She deserved to be happy.

Dan quickly typed out his reply and sent it, backing out almost immediately.

> To: my maraschino cherry no dw! i just was wondering if u had time to talk lol. have fun! dont get TOO drunk ;)

Dan stared at his text chat with Phil. He read over the last two texts he had missed from his boyfriend, and bit his lip, trying to decide if he should bother Phil.

Phil hadn't directly seen what Dan's depressive episodes could come to. Jaime had been in the trenches with Dan, and even though she had never seen what they looked like behind locked doors and closed blinds until not too long ago, she had picked up his pieces after every one and was all too aware of the damage they did to Dan's mental and physical health. Phil knew the general gist of it from the few details Dan had given him, but there was no doubt that Phil would be in way over his head trying to handle Dan. Not to mention trying to deal with him in a depressive episode this strong.

Dan was also all too aware of how worried Phil would be over him, and Dan knew for a fact that no matter how far Phil pulled away from him, if Dan told Phil about this mounting problem Phil wouldn't be able to think straight until he could make sure Dan was okay with his own two eyes. It would put him off of his game for the whole week, and Dan didn't want to derail this important trip for Phil before it really began. This was an opportunity for Phil that Dan was determined not to ruin.

Frowning, Dan closed out of the messaging app. Almost instantly he reopened it again. His therapist had pointed out to him several times that he struggled with accepting and asking for help, and that he needed to let people into his life more if he wanted to get better. This was one of those instances, right? So shouldn't he talk to someone?

Dan drafted a message and deleted it. He tried again but only erased it as well. Dan groaned and nearly clicked the screen of his phone off out of frustration.

One more time…

Dan left this third attempt devoid of anything that would suggest that Dan was in trouble. In fact, it was very simple to what he had initially sent Jaime.

> To: Phil Lester (is amazing!!) hey, do u think we could talk?

After sending it, Dan felt a bit better. Even if he never gathered the courage to admit to Phil that he was in a bad place and that it would only get worse, he was confident that talking to Phil would make his spirits soar. It wasn't a miracle cure, but it would soothe the worst of the mind-numbing loneliness and depression deep in his bones.

Except Dan watched as the hours ticked by and his phone remained quiet and dark. When Dan blinked back into reality it was nearing 2AM. His Netflix show had long since expired, and there wasn't as much as a twitter notification on his phone. Dan dragged himself to his bed even though he knew that it was doubtful that he would sleep tonight.

Meanwhile, something hard had settled in the furthest reaches of Dan's chest. It made breathing difficult and his brain take three times as long to process even the smallest things. It had admittedly been a while since he had been last acquainted with it, but it was familiar. Sickly comforting in the sense that it was something he was so used to. In a way, it was like coming home.

When it was time to get up and get ready for work, Dan got ready on complete impulse. He was too busy dissociating to even remember the walk there, and was mildly surprised when he found himself stocking the cash register on muscle memory alone.

That was one thing that was different with this depressive episode, it seemed. Ever since he had first started to fall into this predicament about a week ago, he had buried himself in work. He took extra shifts in the coffee shop and even sometimes stayed overtime. Coming from someone who normally shut down in every way in the deepest caverns of his depression, the behavior was horribly different from what he was used to. Maybe it was because this depressive episode was caused by something different.

Before, they had been caused by his longing for things he didn't have: a family, a lover, acceptance, someone (or a group of people) who loved him and he could love in return. After he was kicked out and he found Jaime, they slowly became fewer and farther in between as he and Jaime became inseparable. Even though they were still there, he could manage them.

Dan had never had a depressive episode triggered by an all-consuming, numbing sense of being utterly and completely alone before.

Something deep in his gut did he have the feeling that this one would not be his last.

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unproduciblesmackdown · 7 years ago

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here’s me talking about the month since i was last online

firstly it was/is depressing not to be able to talk with ppl or hear from them. or just to be able to talk somewhere i know people CAN hear. i also mentioned being completely detached from the news. i like to be current about the news. anyways i was like “well not like this is anything new” as its technically unusual for me to NOT be cut off both irl and from the internet. but, shockingly, that doesnt make it not depressing. and having something for even a bit makes it more frustrating to lose it even if its “normal” for you not to have it. also by depressing i mean i was going like hmm i sure am even more tired than usual and i am less interested in my few lingering faint interests. whats up with that! and then i was like oh yeah thats called Even More Depression

it is funny because im someone who has never really had that many friends and when i do we often end up separated one way or another. Very Close friends &/or Very Longtime friends are a foreign concept. basically the heights of my “what i wish it was like” for life involve having a group of friends with whom you can have fun in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night just talking and hanging out and messing around. friends that you feel comfortable being yourself around and like they appreciate you as much as you do them. i do not think this is ever going to happen, but oh well because in reality i can be very picky about people because i am weird, to put it that way for now. my social landscape and language is not always considered normal or even tolerable. and i have a lot of standards for who i want to have around me in terms of traits and personality. theres a lot of things im not interested in. anyways. i also just, in the way things actually are, often prefer to be alone, so that i can be myself and do things i feel like. i dont have to worry about being strange or feeling like i need to please people. anyways. unfortunately i dont ONLY like being alone. i actually really like to be with people and talk with them but i rarely can, and i figure this is bad for me. isolation isnt good for anyone obviously. not being able to be around friends in person depresses me. not being able to talk online either depresses me further.

i think sometimes about how much i dont say. its a funny place to say it, in an overly long text post. but one of the reasons they can be so long is because irl i dont really talk much to people. so it builds up and can come out through writing. sometimes it comes out in talking. i think that in conversations, when i do talk, i talk too much because of this. so one of the reasons i dont talk much is to prevent this, which obviously is like “well that would just cancel out” but there are other reasons i dont talk. but i have loads of thoughts and things to say. i end up keeping so much of it to myself and wonder sometimes if i’ll ever get to say some of it. sometimes i’ll have something to say and bite it back. i’ve been “quiet” all these past twenty some years of talking and i know the reasons i dont talk. i was thinking about the feeling of biting something back in an individual occasion feeling like the cumulation of all the years worth of keeping my own voice running in my head alone. it kind of feels like what you want to say is in your chest and throat and the roof of your mouth.

speaking of the roof of your mouth, theres a weird sensation i can feel sometimes, seemingly at random but mostly in strange times like trying to fall asleep. it is so transient and unlike any actual externally caused sensations that its been difficult to try to get a grasp of how to describe it, but i think i have it thanks to ongoing effort and an unusually long period of it a few days ago during which i was especially alert about it. it’s like having a pressure radiating out from inside your mouth. like an orb pushing outwards against the teeth and roof of the mouth. which i’m fairly sure isn’t anything that would ever happen, so i am assuming its some little neurological hiccup that happens to align every now and then, but maybe a previous life cycle has put something weird in their mouth. or shot into it, because i would be like, well not much has changed.

anyways. words sitting like a pressure in your mouth. i was seeing a thread about how grief is ongoing and reoccurring which also mentioned that people who specialize in knowing how grieving and living with it works often consider it to be a form of grief when someone’s life is affected by something like trauma. they have to grieve themselves because of the possibilities taken away from them. i feel that, sometimes. thinking about how i wish i had a life where i felt free to speak and where my identity mattered and i got to feel like i could be myself and it was important and it was important what i thought and wanted and who i really was. and where i got to have friends and do things and realize what it was to actually feel happy, not try to understand an unhappy existence as what must be okay. its not just what couldve been in the past, but also how that couldve affected the present and future. im not sure who i’d be if my life didnt have to be about survival and escape. i say i never had dreams, which is true, but in retrospect i DO think that when i was fifteen and really bearing down in trying to figure out what i wanted to do, i was already seeing activism as the answer, which made sense why it wouldnt register as a dream or ambition and why it was also impossible to pursue. i still dont think of anything like personal fulfillment through a career/job or anything. but i also dont think of what i want to do as very relevant to anything at all anymore.

anyways. i’m “used” to things, but they still depress and hurt me. i actually have a lot of sadness and anger about some of these things, like never getting to have the friends i wanted or never being able to speak and it not mattering who i really was, and how long it took me to realize this really wasn’t okay and it wasn’t because of some personal deficiency which made me deserve it somehow. also the abuse. i remember i had this how-to book about weaving friendship bracelets which i got sometime in elementary school, and it even supplied some twine and stuff. i had always wanted to have occasion to use it, and i never did, which is just symbolic. the twine/potential friendship bracelets can also be things like positive social connections that feel real and open, or my ability to feel secure in expressing affection because it seems mutual. but anyways. i also just go along.

i was thinking about the Being Gone For A Month thing and the not-talking and holding all my words back even though i think so much about all sorts of junk and thus have too much to say, and about a week ago i just spent like six hours writing about myself. i was debating doing so in the first place because i figured i wouldnt post it. i did write it, but i won’t post it. its just good to talk to myself in the form of writing. getting thoughts into that form requires an extra level of analysis and coherent flow that can help put even things you already knew more in order. so here’s this stuff instead.

there’s not much to say about this past month. the worst of it was that discovering my weird tooth is all janky and broken has made me on edge about teeth. i mean, i’ve already all but stopped worrying about the broke tooth, because i kind of do that sometimes when i can. just worry hard and then stop, because what can you do? might as well try to avoid stressing even worse. and in this case i dont have money and doubt i will ever have a job w dental coverage, so i cant do anything about it. but im always worried about my teeth because, fittingly, my parents dental genes seem to combine into that of a tasmanian devil. i think im in some Dental Report b/c i had this weird situation that needed basically a root canal but it wasnt the normal kind of root canal situation and the dentist said he hadn’t seen it or heard of it even. special. i was horrified about needing the root canal, because of the clichés. but it ended up being fine and i really just sat there for an hour thinking about whatever. dental procedures are truly not what theyre hyped up to be. on account of local anesthetics. anyways. when i left my parents house i was specifically worried about leaving my access to a dentist, but obviously it wouldve been far from worth it. but that doesn’t mean i dont worry about my teeth. so i had these few days where i just had a spontaneously sensitive gum spot and another one which im guessing i caused by jamming corn shards down in there by eating corn on the cob. that happened sort of last year, i got really worried about an angry-looking spot on my gums and finally realized something was just up in there that needed to be flossed out. anyhow. the point is i got overly worried about everything that always worries me even though it used to worry me even before going to the dentist and they’d say the stuff was fine actually. but still. i got

very worried for a minute there and i realized very easily that if i start getting any really serious tooth problems i am out of here. i have no motivation at all to live through it. i don’t want to have to deal with that. it’s way too much. i dont even have motivation to be alive now. but when i was worrying i was thinking about not using my handful of cash to change locations, but instead to get some fancy Dying Equipment. there are still some methods by which im not sure i could try offing myself. but if things got a lot worse, like teeth problems, i could probably lower those standards. i COULD obtain some items for one method, or by necessity do it for free. im less worried about the tooth stuff now. it was just an unfortunate convergence of a couple tiny things. but ive still got a sensitive spot or two, and im always a bit worried. if something bad happens i cant do anything about it except get tf out of this life cycle, right.

there was something else unfortunate i was going to talk about. maybe just the depression.

there were nice, small things. i always knew how to enjoy those kinds of stuff. i like the sky, and i appreciate that its summer. theres a lot of fireflies sometimes and i saw kittens chasing them one day. one of those kittens mightve gotten killed by something since. i got to hear rain on the roof a few times. i like corn on the cob even if it betrayed me. i was wanting some last summer. i also got to make sweet tea and lemonade for the first time in forever. i’d been wanting that for a long time too.

the nicest surprise was that i had been writing extra hard since the start of june. i sort of really pushed at it and got to the dividing point between the section and the next, and i was sure it was shorter than previous sections. but actually it was just over 1000 words short of being 140k, and i’d written it all in about five weeks, and it was abt 22.5% longer than the next longest section i’d written. i’ve since gotten to a point i’ve been writing towards since this whole time, and im right on the verge of another long awaited one right now. it’s nice, but writing has been fun, and i hope i dont get depressed if i hopefully do finish it. i can just write some more, but doing so on my phone isnt the most efficient. it doesnt seem sustainable.

anyways thats it for now before i can think of anything else to say am i right

#talking abt being nervous abt it has made me a bit more nervous abt it...im trying to simmer down...dont have to die just yet...But You Know #also i could.

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theboyz-engup · 7 years ago

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Hi do you know what’s happening on stan twitter with 2015 Chanhee and Kr*sta? I’m so confused idk what’s going on.

Hello! I’m so sorry to keep this message waiting, I was just getting some more information. As for 2015 Chanhee, I can’t say much. I’m sure it has to do with his answers to a few questions ask.fm or something of the sort but seeing as I personally cannot speak / read Korean, I don’t know much on this topic :( I’m sorry

For the twitter fight:

There was a person who called out a girl named Krysta who is an Eric stan and goes to a lot of fansigns. The person on twitter said the following:

“a twenty one year old asking a seventeen year old questions about what they would do if they were dating them REPEATEDLY and other things like that is creepy? its creepy and weird and that twenty one year old needs to check themself and also realize fanservice is a thing”

And obviously it circled around and got brought to Krysta’s attention. There was a lot of talk and a lot of threads about how she knows it’s fan service, etc. It kinda split apart stan twitter into people who thought she was right and though she was wrong. The entire thread Krysta posted will be posted below for you to read and make you own opinions on.

As for now, this should’ve calmed down but it was pretty messy for a while. There are people claiming she is wrong in doing so and people who don’t think so but as for now, I believe it’s okay and the whole issue has kinda passed. Here’s the response for you to read:

1) “First, s*** talker [name redacted] likes to spread false things about me but has me blocked. If you want to talk about me, say it to my face. Secondly, she has absolutely no idea what she’s talking about lmao”

- attached there are three pictures, one of which has the call-out tweet, another has a response saying that the op meant krysta was saying borderline pedophilic to Eric” and the last was a definition of the word pedophilia which means “sexual feelings towards children”

2) “I purposely took the definition from a dictionary instead of some random website so you could see how heada** you are. I have not, EVER, IN ANY WAY, sexualized Eric. EVER. Yeah I call him my “boyfriend” and I “flirt” with him but is it really that serious lol”

3) “I’m 20, not 21, and even if I WAS some of you treat him like he’s 5 years old. Hes 17. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t see him as a “baby” (you know how i’m implying it) but he’s not a f***ing child.”

4) “ALSO he!! is the one!! that calls himself!!! my boyfriend!!! I called him my baby once and he LITERALLY said “I’m not your baby, I’m your boyfriend” !!!!! STOP TREATING HIM LIKE HES SEVEN DKSMXKSSK there’s a line between recognizing that he’s a minor and treating him like a kid”

5) “All my flirty questions to Eric are jokingly and harmless. Not once have I ever put him or any other member in an uncomfortable position and if I did I would apologize. He also knows my age and that doesn’t seem to bother him either.”

6) “And as a side note, I’m FULLY aware that it’s all fanservice, which is another reason why I don’t get why everyone takes it so seriously. Y’all talk a lot of shit for people who were never there lmao”

7) “If my actions towards Eric make you uncomfortable because of our ages feel free to pull your head out of your a** at any point in time. Stop being fake woke and if you have a problem you can say it to me directly instead of hiding behind a block, f***ing coward.”

8) “Yall out here thinking I make Eric uncomfortable when he asks my friends for me at EVERY FANSIGN, talks to my friends about me (excitedly) at every fansign, and literally GETS IMPATIENT when I dont immediately move to him from the member before him lol”

9) “Maybe I should’ve put it better into context since some people are misunderstanding: not flirting as in “damn lemme get yo number” but flirting as in “I’m a kpop idol, I want you to stan me, here lemme steal your heart lol” type of way. It’s different and it’s just fanservice”

And this thread followed the previous:

1) “Icb I have to make this disclaimer lmao but y’all know I DONT ACTUALLY THINK Eric and I are dating right?? Y’all realize I know it’s fanservice right? And that we’re not in love or anything?? You don’t have to “let me dream” I’m very much aware of the situation lol”

2) “Eric is sweet to me, like he is to all his fans. He appreciates and loves all of them and I’m just lucky enough to be in Korea and get his fanservice up close and personal but I don’t think I’m special, so chill out. Stop being so pressed.”

3) “I used to share all my interactions with him to show everyone how lovely he is but I’ve been wanting to share them less and less because people keeping saying I’m delusional, and esp over these past few that have been super meaningful and personal to me, I don’t want them to

4) be tainted by “he’s only doing it because you pay him to” comments. I know I pay for the fanservice, I’m aware, that’s not the point. Y’all ruin everyone’s happiness over the littlest s***, I’m sick of it.”

Take what you wish from the thread and the explanation above! I hope this helped your understanding of it a little bit! Thank you for the ask ^.^

#anon #answered #admin zea #news

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ayyoitsalex · 5 years ago

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Chapter 6 - Play Time

When Daisy finally recovered from her sprained ankle she was full of energy and ready to go one hundred miles a minute. It's part of the reason Sophia and I call her crazy Daisy sometimes. She'd built up so much energy from having to lay around for two weeks that it was all rushing out of her. To be honest it was getting a little exhausting and I was sad to admit I was getting my ass handed to me by a seven year old. Sophia and I both decided to throw a little get together at our house so Daisy could be around her cousins and hopefully playing with all of them could help her tire out some. -Ding dong- Daisy propped up a little footstool to see through the peephole. She smiled big and opened the door for Alijah, his wife, and their son Jackson. "Hi uncle Alijah, Auntie Sasha, and Jackson!" Daisy hugged all of them tight. "YOU JACKSON! YOU LOOK LIKE A JACKSON!" I shouted from the backyard. I could feel Alijah rolling his eyes from here. "Between him and my dad that joke is never going to end. I warned you about this when you wanted to name him that." "Well excuse me for wanting to name him after my dad! Anyway hi there Daisy you seem to be looking a lot better." Sasha said checking out her ankle. "Oh yeah check it out." She jumped as high as she could. "Doesn't hurt any more!" "That's good, so where's your parents?" "We're here!" Sophia shouted from upstairs. She made her way over and greeted them. "Hey Sasha." The two hugged as she walked them to the back yard. "Hi aunt Sophia." Jackson hugged her back. "Where's uncle Nathan?" "He is out back getting all the stuff prepped." "I'll go give him a hand." Alijah said. Alijah popped out back holding a plate I was meaning to bring out. We greeted one another and he stood back while I continued brushing down the grill. Alijah walked over to the cooler to get us drinks and catch me up on the goings on of his life. More guests continued to arrive all being greeted by the eager Daisy. Before I knew it the sound of scampering kids filled the house. Tegan's parents arrived to the backyard making themselves comfortable among my family. I'd had difficulty in life making new friends outside of the ones I grew up with. Sure I'd make friends in school and stuff but never ones I really felt like were a part of that inner circle. Having Daisy and Sophia helped change that a little since they're both social butterflies. Sophia took a seat on my lap eating her lunch. "Yeah sure welcome." I laughed looking up at her. "Well we have lots of guests coming and I figured we could just share. Unless you have a problem then I can find another seat." "No no what's mine is yours sweetie." She kissed me. "Gimme a bite though." She rolled her eyes and lowered her food down to me. "Whapsh!" Alijah snickered. I leered over at him. He just shrugged his shoulders. Sasha took notice and followed Sophia's example. "Y'mind baby?" Sasha said taking a more rough approach just planting down on Alijah's lap. "AGH! Oh no of course.." He mouthed you suck to me and I shrugged back. A little after I soon found Daisy draping herself over my shoulders as well. "Well hey there my little energizer bunny. You running low on power yet?" She shook her head. "So what's up Daisy?" "Nooothin. Just wanted to say love you. Oh! and you too mommy." She gave us both big kisses on the cheek before running off once again. My fucking heart is melting. Everyone looked at one another before giving us a group "Aw". My sisters welcomed themselves inside with their families next and Daisy had all her favorite playmates. It was always so funny watching them all play around together. I'd think Cole would be the one organizing what games were going to be played but by nature he's too laid back. Daisy was usually the one leading the charge and leading the cavalry of children. Natalie and Selena sat across from me carrying both plates of food and babies. "Hey brother can you be helpful and please get us drinks?" Selena asked. "What are your legs broken?" I laughed. Though they both looked none too amused. "Okay okay I'll be right back." "Thanks youuu." They said in unison. I set the drinks in front of them while they started to eat. "See that's being a good host." What seemed like twenty minutes later an exhausted Elizabeth joined us in the backyard catching her breath. We heard shouts for Elizabeth echoing in the front yard "Whoa what happened to you?" Sophia giggled. "All..the..kids..chasing me..I dont wanna be fun aunt Liz right now can I tag someone in?" We all threw our hands up. "This is your life Lizzy." Selena smirked rocking Charly in her arms. "Aw c'mon I haven't even eaten yet. I like sat down and Daisy was pulling me up to play tag, hide and seek, and everything else!" "Okay okay. Daisy!" I shouted. She popped her head out the screen door. "Yeah daddy?" "Aunt Lizzys not playing right now okay? Let her sit down and eat. Just play with your cousins and friends." Daisy nodded her head before racing back to the front yard. Elizabeth collapsed in the chair next to mine taking a big drink of water. "Okay now I will devour this food. Because it is free, and I am starving." "Go right on ahead you earned it." I laughed. Elizabeth started eating like she hadn't seen food in years. Though as quickly as it begun, it was just as quick in ending. "..I think I ate too fast.." She had almost a sick look to her. Typical, Elizabeth always thinks she can eat so much but never finishes. What can I say though she is somewhere in the middle of the body type Natalie and Selena had at her age. Like a good sch-medium. I didn't expect her to finish the whole plate she assembled for herself filled to the edge. "Can I wrap it up? I can eat it back to my apartment for later.." "Aha yeah sure lemme get that for you." Sophia offered taking her plate. "Aw baby sister.." I teased poking her in the sides. "Nathan stoooop!" She fidgeted protecting her sides. "I'm too full to play this game..You might make me throw up." "Ew okay enough said." When the sun began to set I set up the fire pit so the kids could make s'mores as dessert. Daisy sat up on my lap focused on her marshmallow in the fire looking for the perfect amount of toast on it. Sophia held her plate with the graham cracker and chocolate. She plopped the golden brown marshmallow on the cracker, her eyes lighting up as to what was to come. She took the first bite and immediately had bits of melted chocolate and marshmallow threads sticking to her face. Daisy offered both Sophia and I bites and we graciously accepted. "Oh lord sweetie lemme wipe your face." Sophia pulled out a napkin. Being messy while eating s'mores is part of the experience and all the parents were finding out. "Can we make another one?" Daisy asked looking up at me. Normally I'd say yes, but being with Sophia made me look to her. "No Daisy it's late. Besides you've had enough sweets like all day." Daisy huffed in disappointment. Though she slowly forgot as she continued just watching the fire. I made my own s'more and while Sophia wasn't looking I tapped Daisy's shoulder. She took a quick bite, and we laughed at the sneak. "DAISY NICOLE" Sophia looked stern at her. "I thought I told you no." "But I didn't make it!" Daisy threw her hands up in innocence. Sophia leered at me. "How'd you even find out she ate one!" I asked baffled. "Nathan she has chocolate all over her cheeks." Remember what I said about being messy? God damnit it haha. "We gotta teach you to make careful bites." Daisy nodded in agreement. When it got late we put out the fire and cleaned up. Daisy helped Sophia put away the dishes while I took out the trash. "Alright, let's get upstairs and shower up. You were in the sun all day and probably got all sweaty." Sophia nudged Daisy in the direction of the stairs. "Can you finish up here love?" I nodded. When the downstairs kitchen was finally all squared away I met the girls upstairs. Sophia was drying and brushing Daisy's hair. I just watched them talk and every now and them Daisy would wince at the brush being pulled through her golden brown hair. With her pajamas on and hair finished, Daisy ran over to bed. She dove underneath the blanket while Sophia tucked her in tight. "We all tucked in?" I asked checking the covers. Daisy yawned, batting her eyes to try and fight it. She nodded her head. "You want music tonight or no?" "Music!" Daisy answered right away. "Alexa play Daisy's night time mix for one hour." Sophia said. "Playing Daisy's night time mix from spotify for one hour." The music started from a list cultivated by Sophia and myself of songs we'd play for Daisy when she was a baby. It's good mix of a little of everything, but for the most part it's all pretty slow and gentle songs. "Good night Daisy we love you." Sophia and I sandwiched Daisy's face with kisses from each side. "Love you too..good night.." She said yawning again. I switched off the lights and close the door slightly. She doesn't like the door closed all the way since she can still see the night light in the hallway. It's not that she's afraid of the dark, but she just doesn't like complete darkness. Sophia and I closed our door behind us, falling into our bed. We were surprisingly tired for only eight thirty, but mission accomplished I think Daisy had run out all her excess energy form the past two weeks. I turned on netflix on our tv for just some noise while Sophia and I talked before drifting to sleep a few hours later.

#book

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sadrien · 7 years ago

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prince of cats

chapter eight: which mannerly devotion shows in this

on ao3 || on ffnet 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8

sorry this is late, its been. rough.

maybe dont expect a chapter next week? i should (hopefully) be moving into my dorm on sunday so uhh yeahhhh.

i literally know nothing about apartment hunting. i did some googling on like..what happens if you apartment burns down but i kept it suuuper vague so...sorry about that

enjoy

Marinette curls up at a chair in Alya and Nino’s kitchen and clicks through emails on her laptop. She needs to be designing, but her bag with her tablet in it is across the room and she doesn’t want to get up right now. She has a cup of tea in front of her and is comfortable with the way she’s sitting.

She’ll be productive later.

She checks her phone for messages, not sure what she’s expecting, but still being strangely disappointed when she doesn’t have any.

“Hey, girl,” Alya says, wandering in from the bedroom. “What’s up?”

“Not much,” Marinette murmurs. She closes her email and goes back to the apartments she was looking at. “Still looking at places. I am…struggling.” She pulls on her pigtail as she chews on her bottom lip.

“Hm.” Alya places a dish in the sink. “You know you can stay here as long as you want, right?” she asks, turning around to face Marinette.

“I know,” Marinette answers, keeping her eyes on the screen.

“Mari.” Alya sits down across from her and slowly pulls the laptop away.

“Hey! I was—”

Alya closes the laptop. “The world won’t end if we talk about this.”

Marinette sighs. “I am definitely intruding.”

Alya scoffs. “Shut up, Mar. You’ve been my best friend for like a decade now. Which, one, holy shit we’re old. Two, you will always have a home with me. You’ve known Nino for even longer, trust me, he doesn’t mind.”

Marinette rubs her temples. “I just…”

“You don’t want to be a bother. You don’t want to overstay your welcome. Blah blah blah.” Alya grabs one of Marinette’s hands and squeezes it. “Remember when we were starting university and we both thought we were going to be jobless and homeless and I promised I would share my box with you?”

Marinette nods.

“This,” Alya taps on the table, “is my box. I am sharing it with you. I swear to god, Nino and I are more than happy to let you stay here as long as you need to. As long as you’d like. We want to help you. If you feel that bad about it, you can buy groceries every once and awhile. Give us a few euros for the rent.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Marinette mumbles.

“I know you don’t want to back to your parents, but they’re there too,” Alya reminds her. “Even if they are a little bit further from your work. You might have to figure something out since they totally renovated your space, but your friends and family are here to support you. But you have to let us help you.”

Marinette sighs. “I know. I just… I don’t want to feel like I’m leeching off of others.”

“You’re not,” Alya says firmly. “We all know you can provide for yourself. Right now you just need some help and that’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Marinette takes a deep breath. “I know.”

“You don’t have to keep looking for an apartment if you don’t want to,” Alya says softly. “Or if you want to take a break from looking for a few weeks. But don’t stress out about this too much. We’re here for you.” Alya leans across the table and presses a kiss to Marinette’s forehead. “I have to go work on an article, but let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Mhm.” Marinette stares at the table as Alya gets up and goes back into the bedroom. Marinette reaches for the laptop before she stops and unlocks her phone instead.

She opens up to a text conversation she keeps opening up to, like that will change the messages that have and haven’t been sent.

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy Hi this is Marinette Just checking to make sure we put in the right numbers and everything

From: The Cat Guy To: Marinette (the Neighbor) Yup! Numbers are right, this is indeed Adrien How are you doing?

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy Im doing ok Im going to be staying with Alya and Nino until I figure out what to do Ho w are you?? Are you able to stay with your friend?

From: The Cat Guy To: Marinette (the Neighbor) I’m doing pretty well, Plagg isn’t loving it though And I am, yeah! Hopefully I’ll be able to find my own place soon enough

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy Thats good!! Hopefully Ill find a new apartment soon too, Id love to get my stuff out of storage you know??

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy If you need any help looking for apartments, let me know! Ninos surprisingly good at it andhes been helping me out

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy I hope youre doing well

She closes her messages and locks her phone. She looks desperate. It’s been over two weeks since Adrien last responded to one of her texts. She didn’t think he’d fade from her life that fast, but apparently she was wrong.

She needs to move on. She has bigger things to worry about. Like finding an apartment.

Marinette apartment hunts for about twenty minutes before she switches over to YouTube and starts binging random YouTubers.

Goodbye, productivity.

✦ ✦ ✦

“Has he texted you back yet?” Alya asks as Marinette and Nino lounge on the couch.

“Not yet,” Marinette says, keeping her eyes on the action on the screen.

“Hm.”

Nino pauses the show. “Did you ever find his social media, Al? You were pretty determined.” Alya groans and drops onto the couch, laying across Marinette and Nino’s legs. “I tried. And I did find an instagram, but it’s just pictures of his cat.” Marinette smiles a little, even though it kind of hurts. “I can’t believe he has nothing else.”

“He’s not a very social person,” Marinette points out.

“Whatever,” Alya mutters. “He’s kind of a jerk anyway.”

Marinette looks away. “He might just be busy.” She can feel Nino and Alya’s eyes on her.

Yeah, she doesn’t really believe it either.

✦ ✦ ✦

Marinette tries to leave the apartment whenever possible. She goes to work and stays out for lunch and gives Alya and Nino as much space as she can. She loves them and believes that they would let her stay for the rest of time, but she still wants to give them privacy sometimes.

She would get sick of herself too.

She visits apartments. Some that are too expensive, ones that she hates, ones that are too far from her work, ones that are falling apart. She finds a few that she likes. There’s one she sort of has her eyes on, but she’s also, strangely, a little worried about moving in. Or out. Or…on.

She’s getting lunch at a café when she looks out the window and sees a black cat sitting on the fire escape of the next building.

She finds herself thinking of Plagg.

Marinette goes back to eating and tries not to think of Adrien too much, but part of her knows that all she’s going to draw tonight will be Adrien’s face. The curve of his nose, the line of his hair, the sweeping lines of his hair—

That reminds her that she still needs to buy new watercolors and colored pencils. Unfortunately, of the things to survive the fire, most of her art supplies was not on the list. The fire had started on the floor above hers, and had just reached her apartment when it was put out.

Honestly, she’s relieved that anything of hers survived.

On her way back to work, she stops at the art store. She shells out on a new set of watercolors and some paper and a brush set. She hesitates at the copic markers before getting a single green that reminds her of springtime and nothing else.

As she exits the store, a black cat rubs against her legs. Marinette looks down and the cat looks up at her, meowing.

She sighs and reaches down to scratch behind its ears. “I have to get to work.” That cat headbutts her hand. “So I can only be here for a minute.”

The cat meows in protest when Marinette stops petting it and stands up. Suddenly struck by inspiration, Marinette takes a picture of that cat at her feet.

She opens a message thread that hasn’t been active in over a month.

From: Marinette (the Neighbor) To: The Cat Guy [image sent] I met a cat today and thought of Plagg I hope youre both doing well

✦ ✦ ✦

Nino turns up the music as he cooks dinner, rocking back and forth and singing into a spoon. Marinette rolls her eyes and maneuvers around him to get to the cabinet with the spices.

“Marinette!” Alya shouts from the livingroom. “You’ve got a text!”

“A text?” Marinette yells back. “From wh—”

“Holy shit!” Alya screams. “A text!”

“That sounds important,” Nino says, raising his eyebrows.

Alya trips overself as she runs into the kitchen, shoving Marinette’s phone at her.

From: The Cat Guy To: Marinette (the Neighbor) [image sent] Plagg says hi and that he’s extremely jealous

#marinette dupain cheng #alya cesaire #adrien agreste #nino lahiffe #miraculous ladybug #my fics #proc ml #prince of cats ml #good night i dont even know what this chapter is about

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sinningbutwithstyle · 7 years ago

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Okay here it is (sorry its a mess and sorry for mentioning people, its easier)

so i know i complain a lot and i really shouldn’t on this blog because people i care about follow me and i hate worrying people but i am seriously not okay. Its been practically two weeks since ive had any proper joy and tumblr is legit my only source right now. I log in and reblog a few things or make a few things and see thread posts that some of the cul-de-sac rp blogs do and that shit makes me happy. but as soon as i log off im down. im dead. i feel disgusting and gross and like i shouldnt be here. i dont feel worthy enough to have these blogs reblog or like some of my stuff. for instance, my pablo content post has gotton a bunch of reblogs and likes and even @paabbloo , one of my favorite blogs, rebloged and captioned it. I literally dont feel worthy enough for this to happen. When @probably-pablo followed me, i freaked cuz i was like how the hell can essentially a god to me like anything i post. And i have practically no courage to actually take part in the rp blogs so im stuck here having the only excitement and happiness in my life be when a blog i like reblog or like my post. Twenty times at least i have contemplated making a new blog and being active in the community cuz i thought it would be hella cool to join the Pablo family of what? 4 i think so far? but every time i get close to clicking “new blog” i start thinking that theres already enough people or that id just butcher the character. so i dont. and as previously stated, ive practically been floating through life, not even paying attention to anything. the symptoms of the shit i have are showing more and more and its making everything harder and i just want it to stop. And my therapist said something about how medication would help but i cant get medication until another 2+ days so im practically suffering in my own goop of issues. and so i end up on tumblr. because the cul-de-sac community is really great and i appreciate them a lot. but i cant be on tumblr always and its just getting worse without it. i have friends yes, but im drifting from them and i just constantly feel bombarded with emotions and overwhelmed with everything. I dont even remember the purpose of this rant anymore, i guess i put too much trust in the internet. Im not okay and i guess it will stay that way for a while. And like the environment around me is shitty. my dad is literal fucking shit, practically absent but just taunting me with the possibility of a father and the others who live with me are terrible and they always fight and i just hate my house, and i hate my room, and i just hate myself. Its too fucking much. and i feel pathetic for this because im only like 15-16 so i shouldn’t be depressed. I shouldnt have crippling anxiety and attention issues. Because people my age dont have that shit. I should be happy and have a boyfriend or girlfriend and actually want to go to homecoming and prom and all that but i just dont. And i feel pathetic for it. i feel like a nuisance all the damn time. so i go on tumblr where people dont judge me and shit and i practically live vicariously through @d–bloodmarch and @xxpvbloxx and @genuinewrestleboyvega and @sella-coffee and all of these blogs (that i cant name cuz theres a bunch) because i feel like it would be a better life to have them as my family. To have Damien as my dad or Pablo as my friend/brother. Or to have Mat as the dude i can relate to. Or Hugo as my teacher. Or have Robert to fuck around with looking for cryptids. Or have the kids to hang with. or the dogs to pet the living shit out of. Its just dope and would be so much better than the life i have and i feel utterly pathetic for having to say that. i dont know anymore. im just tired of having to do the same thing over and over again. wake up, school, go home, sleep. over and over. and on the weekends it barely changes. its wake up, homework, sleep. im just exhausted all the time and none of the teachers seem to get that. no one realizes how hard it is for me because ive been conditioned to keep it all in and only talk about my issues on the internet anonymously. and im just done doing that. its tiring to keep all this shit in. yes im depressed. yes im anxious. im a goddamn mess, why is it so hard to get? why cant i convince myself that being this way is okay? WHY CANT I JUST BE WHO I AM!?? and in my brain i get that its okay. its stupid to not think it is. but then when the time comes to tell people im like this i just say im fine or whatever and it builds and builds until shit like this happens. I just came from a friends house and i looked and acted perfectly fine until as soon as i walked in my room. i just broke down. it was too exhausting. everything is too exhausting. even writing this is exhausting. life is just fucking exhausting. sorry about the rant and sorry to anyone i mentioned if it made them sad or whatever, i just needed to get this shit out without directly talking to people. there may be more later but idk. thanks for listening if you did. whatever, seeya.

#very long post

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